Revelation

I got the answer

2010-11-07T22:55:00.003+05:30

Ento

anni vinta vinta thoughts, anni kotta kotta revelations!!

eemani interpret ch3eyaalo veetannintini??!! its all too abstract, too stupid rather... perhaps I am rationalizing...

I dont know .

nenu ilaage pichi pichi ga chetta chetta gaa unnappude comfortable ga unna.
as far as I am concerned, this-- i repeat --THIS is my comfort zone.
all of this is normal for me! whenever I deny it, or try to modify it, problems emerge...huh!
It always seems to me as adjustment, but perhaps, its wonderful that i'm like that.
its wonderful that something called sam who's like that exists in this world, pure and perverted, just like that.

i dont know if i amable to convey exactly what i feel... I dont know!!
but I know what I mean.
Its wonderful to be like this.
And its more wonderful being better.
Being better doesnt mean killing sam and replacing her with someother so called wonderful X
Its wonderful becoming a better sam, and now I know what i really mean by it!!
yeah! I do know waht I mean by it!
its not about forcing a wonderful style of doing things of someone else upon me, its all about getting absorbed in my own style of doing things and relishing it to the maximum. making myself better and betther and better

i love this.
i love working like this.
this keeps me very very comfortable. Stress free. happy. contended. energetic.

i dont care if anyone understands all the crap i write here... I dont care if all that I write here is misinterpretsed. it just doesnt matter to me. I am too happy to notice and worry about all these things right now! I am too happy!!

this is what is called sam, as on today... huh!

2010-10-17T11:13:00.002+05:30

yes

Despite all my stupid distorsions, I have to agree.
I HAVE to agree that I am what I appear to be.

I am as foolish as I appear
As ignorant as I appear
as incapable as I appear
as irresponsible as I appear
As stupid as I appear

I dont know waht else to say...
I find no lore words.. I mean I cant bear writing more

I feel like a loser
I feel as if it was a waste of 21 years of my 'existance' on earth.
rock esists
dirt esists
so do I

2010-10-09T18:08:00.002+05:30

Loving myself

yes, I am...

I dont think I can write more than this, though I want to ... In fact I have loads and loads of feelings waiting to be smeared in their brightest hues on this place of mine...

Thanks a lot, sir!!

2010-08-09T12:21:00.003+05:30

Nannu tempt chestunnaru shankar sir!!

Oh my god! \i cant believe this!!
Oka 10 minute talk to nato samvatsaraluga vastunna pichi attitude ki virugudu chupinchesare!

sir మరీ నన్ను అంతగా influence చేసేసార, whem I am in a condition where my mind is no longer open to take any thoughts, advices or suggestions, అంత easy గా నిమిషాల్లో naa ee impenetrable barrier nu ela break chesesaru?!! how simple a solution did you give me!! Atleast, how simple you made it seem!!

I say onething today sir, When I succeed in doing what I want to, I will contact you no matter what, just to thank you sir. Coz all the credit goes to you, and only you!

THANK YOU SIR !!

2010-04-29T21:50:00.001+05:30

dare to take decisions sam

dare to choose your next step. gali etu tarimite ala velladam kadu. Terachaapa nu neeku kavalasina result vachela vaaduko. Just use. ante :)

2010-04-29T18:03:00.001+05:30

Waiting 4 my doc.

Ento. Nakem artham kavatledu. Tappento teleedu. Aina nenenti? Chetulu muduchuku khali ga kurchunte edo ashareera vani type lo dananantatade vachi solution istundanukuntunnana? Na

2010-04-25T16:27:00.002+05:30

fag end of casualty posting...

Hmmm...

ryles and foleys ok.
cath inka perfect kaledu.
venesection nerchukune opportunity vadulukunna

sutures ok. parvaledu. expert nu kanu but still, naa meeda pani vadilesi vellochanna bharosa ivvagalanu.poisonings inka confidence ledu. hate this

ECG lo chaala nerchukuntunna, I know i'm not still complete, but still, I'm fine

coimbatore ku velta, I've decided.

and ee roju nundi chaduvtunna. that's also decided.

2010-04-20T11:24:00.002+05:30

I dont know... endukochesano teliyadu

MNaakakkada undaalani ledu. Undedaannemo akkade, balavantanga. undundalsindemo. but enduko vachesa...

tana kosame naaku ee thought vachindemo anipinchindi vachesaka. I almost forgot everything about it in all this fuss. I'm sure I would not have remembered it till late. assalu anduke vachesanemo??!!

endukem baagaledu. enduko

2010-04-20T11:24:00.001+05:30

do not resuscitate??

ekkada dorukutundi??

day 19

2010-04-20T10:53:00.000+05:30

Emo. em pani chesanani nenu?

rbs check cheyaledani srinivas cheppetappudu arthamayyindi how important it is ani.

and planar st depressions gurinchi kuda telisindi. rendu sututes vesa. kontavaraku ok. Inka veyaali. em nerchukuntunna roju?? Nothing, I hate this. I really hate this. Ledu, I have to learn to manage.

cath lu ninna pettaledu. I have to learn to put. I just have to.

Ninna godavaindi okadito. tt diclofenac veyinchi suture room lo kurchomani cheppi vere patient daggaraku vellanu. vaadu taagi unnadanta. gola chestondinnadu. arustu undinnadu assalu emi pattinchukovatledani. how can I stop disposing another case when I know pretty well that suturing takes time... Nannu bootulu tittinatlunnadu. em tittado kuda teliyadu. tarun nannu bayataku ranivvaledu. tarvata enta adiginaa cheppaledu. kani pade pade phone chesi naa mood ela vundo kanukkuntunnadu. hospital lo jariginavi pattinchukoku, taginavallu ededo matladutuntaru avanni enduku pattinchukuntav antu datestunnadu. kani kishore cheppadu, tarun chaala kopanga undinnadanta... kallu erragaa aipoi, gatti gattiga arichi tarimesadanta vaadini. emem tittado nannu tarun anta react ayyadante. nenemaina tappu chesana? I dont know. suture kosam wait cheyamani cheppi inkoka case kosam velladam tappa? tt, diclo ventane veyincha. immediate ga. mlc enter chesukokundane. pain taggite wait cheyagalaru kada ani. asaluke drowning patient, twaraga physician ku pettali, huh. I dont know what my mistake is. Naake edola undi. Tarun lopalaku pommanakapoyunte vaadu vaaginadanta nenu vinunte tattukolekapoyedannemo... Thanks tarun, thank you very much. Eee 'edola' undadanne tattukolekapotunna, nuv lopalaku pampakapoyunte inkela aipoyedaanno... thanks, I'm fine now, atleast better. thank you, again :)

inkaaa... chudu, viseshalu lekundane gadachipotunnay rojulu... hmmm...

day 18

2010-04-19T13:48:00.002+05:30

even worst. roju rojuki naa paristhiti.

naa meeda nade asahyam vestondi.

em teliyaka povadam neram ananu nenu. but ippati naa paristhiti naaku nachatledu. I hate this I hate this.

super vasmol poisoning lo 6 points ns pettala? Naku telliyadfe idanta. huh!

Cath s ok. better. inka green cath taruvayi.

dare to take decisions dear

2010-04-19T12:19:00.000+05:30

so emanali deeni? punishment anaaaaaaaaala?

Adem kaadu. Naaku ee tindi ishtam kedu. anduke ee gola anta

I hate this. I hate this.

Em pedda teda ledu nijame. nenu kuda vallandari laagaane tayaaraipotunnanaa

I dont know I dont know'
Naku kopam vastondi. Naaku kopam vastondi.

2010-04-18T10:28:00.001+05:30

Endukila tayaaraipotunnano teleedu. this is not what I want. This is NOT. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Nakem kaavaalo adi khachitanga pondutaanu. Khachitanga.

Iwill have it. Is it impossible.Is it tough. It had been tough all along. And it would be so all ahead. So what? Should I quit? No. I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

i WOULD NOT

day 17

2010-04-15T00:04:00.004+05:30

Okka sariga chaala bhayamesindi, badhesindi. Aipoyindaa antaa moodu rojullo ani anukunna.

aa escapist tendency, aa reluctant nature, aa incapability---chi asahyamesindi. Is this what I am, again?? ani anipinchindi. baadhesindi. naaku idi kaadu kaavalasindi.

enduku kotta ante bhayapadutunna. enduku decision making ante bhayapadutunna? endukanta janku? tbm ayyuntundi ante kada, thats it. enduku anta hesitation. aakharuku foley's teeseyadaniki kuda tarun nu adagala? No way. Its wrong. alaa cheyoddu. tappu. stand on your own feet. you are all capable. dare to take your decisions. date to learn when you are in doubt. dare to retain and apply what you learn.

Stop it stupid. stop being foolish.

ecg chudadamlo unna confidence atleast cath pettadam lo kuda ledu.

I appreciate, ivvala chinna vein ani ravi chandra discourage chestunna pettesav blue cath. good. congratulations. but when r you goin to put a green one? when are yu going to analyze the condition of the patients you treat? when are you going to stop saying ' I dont know' to everything that you are asked about? When are you going to master the art and science of medicine?

Ecg lo av dissociation. anta. heart block ani gurtupatta. but still, complete heartblock ani gurtu pattaleka poya. q waves anta baaga unnay, kanukkola. how stupid. kalla mundu unnadi kuda chudaleka pote! I hate this.

neck rigidity undi ani cheppadaaniki kuda bhayamaaa. descision making ante endukanta dooram parigedatav??

suture??? when when and WHEN?

Ee bhayam and janku eppudu pogottukuntav?

and chadavadam eppudu modalupedatav?

day 14

2010-04-15T00:04:00.002+05:30

Oh appude half of the posting aipoinda.... :D

okka case manage cheyagane enta confidence vachesindi naaku!! Poisoning ante assalu jankatledu. Kani inka naipunyam kavali naku.

Inka shraddaga cheyali pani... nenu cheyatledu, I'm an idiot. Inkonchem quick analysis, Inkonchem better evaluation... It is a need.

cath inka pettadam raledu---I mean vacho rado teleedu, how shameful

2010-04-14T22:54:00.002+05:30

Ivaale idi ila... kottaga...

emo correct o kado naku teleedu. but I'm being like this now, coz I want to be like this now. I feel like being like this now. I know this is a fool's logic, but still, i want to be like this now, YES.

day 13

2010-04-14T12:52:00.002+05:30

waste. em nerchukoledu.

Supervasmol poisoning. rendu treat chesa. aina emundi andulo? aspiration cheyadam and hydrocortisone ivvadam. huh. six months daka muscle weakness. Nephrotoxicity? laryngeal edema?

rabies patient. H/o dogbite miss chesunte nenu??? Its not seizure. i cannot call it altered sensorium. ravi chandra encephalitis annadu. emo. H/o dog bite was important. sweta enta baaga pettesindi cath. I need that skill. I'm impressed!!! :)
ala untunda aerophobia? and hydrophobia?? Oh my god!!

finally, serum nu disturb cheyakunda rapicheck petta. hey! success :) Ilane cath petta ani eppudu egurutano.

ryles and foley's ok. rabies patient ki taka taka pettesa. 5 min lo rendu.

blood kuda teesa, ok... but paapam ataniki chaala chotla kuchaalsochindi. kani bhayapadaledu. aa vishayam lo its an improvement.

aina sotta moothi chiraku mukham enduku naaku/prashantanga undochu kada, visugu mukham chuste papam patients ku ela untundi. react avvakunda receive chesukoleva andarini/? be cool sam. ninnu chuse sagam chiraku taggali vallaki. inka agony irritation peragakudadu. learn to deal with people,sam. Learn to deal.

You have to deal you have to deal You have to.

remember you are a doc. behave yourself. you have to cure people. dont add to their miseries, at any angle.

day 12

2010-04-13T10:42:00.002+05:30

poisoning okkadanne manage chesa. Evvaru leru kanuchupu mera lo. chaala bhayamesindi. kallu cheyi aadaledu. lavage chestunna. op compound adi. kani clear fluid vastondi. Confirm chesukune lavage start chesa. kani clear fluid vachesariki bhayamesindi, lung lo pettanemo ani. I was afraid. anta apanammakamento naa meeda naaku. aakharuku saline andinchadaniki kuda sisters leru. bhayamesi dikkulu chusa, I was afraid. I dont know. atropine icha. brain assalu pani cheyaledu. pam istaro ledo kuda teliyadu. tarun nu kanukkomanna.

It was my first. ippudu poisoning vaste nene chusukunta. I know what to do and how to monitor.

chlorpyriphos ok
endosulphan gurinchi sekhar sir nu adagali
supervasmol kuda.

enduku nenu emergencies nu handle cheyaleka potunna. what happened to my senses?
What happened to my brain? why dont they work for me?
Naaku ee opportunity malli radu. i have to learn everything now. only 18 days left. I have to learn. I have to learn. i have to learn

forst first and first sam, DONT BE AFRAID. nee attention anta bhayapadadam meeda kakunda pani meeda pettu. feelings meeda kakunda work meeda pettu. feelings ku nuvvu istunna importance nee concentration nu debbateestondi. watch yourself. anduke you miss the spark in you. coz you dont give it any space to come out. nuv nee pani meeda concentrate chestene kada emaina jarigedi. beware dear. think quick and act quick. stop being uncertain. decision teesukovalasina paristhiti vaste jankoddu. dont. nee daari correctaa kaada confirm chesukuni munduku vellu. learn the skill of communicating with people, with your collegues and seniors. to the point clear ga adigi telusukovadam nerchuko.

burns. aakhariki percentage calculate chesukovadam lo kuda bhayamena stupid. rule of nine kuda gurturananta bhayama rascal. ee sari burns case vaste em cheyalo neeku telsu kada. Ila malli bhayapadav kada. you know how to deal kada. you know what to do kada. good.

So ninnanta kalipi nenu chesindi intena?
poisoning
burns
antena stupid

Sutures inka eppudu vestav?
proficiency eppudu sampadinchukuntav?

and oh yes, post wall infarct, ecg lo, thats a new point, fine. good. kani inka information kavali dani gurinchi. ekkada dorukutundi?

EPPUDU CHADUVTA NENU HARRISON?

Sam, job for you today. deniki bhayapadoddu. remember, you are a doc. all you have to do is to do whatever you want to do with UTMOST ATTENTION. ante. attention pay chey. nee probs solve aipotay.

casualty

2010-04-12T11:24:00.000+05:30

emo em rayadaniki teesukunnano idi

casualty night shifts aipoyay.

11 days up.
em saadhincha?

symptomatic ga treatment---ok parvaledu confindent ga ne pedutunna. But still, I need efficiency.

Prati roju ante, naa inefficiency kanipistundi naaku. Paaripovalanipistundi naa duties nundi. alaanti haanikaramaina aalochanalanundi freedom kosame nature nannu casualty lo tosesindi le :) busy aipoyi 'naaku radu' ani aalochinchadame amrchipotunna. ennenno nerchukuntunna. I'm not satisfied, completely, but still, I'm fine.

emo mari...

idi oka govt hosp. chest pain complain chesina vaallandariki ecg routine ga advise cheyadam oka sampradayam ikkada. adi avasaramaa leda analyze chesi decide cheyagaligedeppudu??

angina... angina equivalents, unstable angina... just ischemia valla st depressions
infarcts--- gross elevations and t wave inversions... artefacts --- hyperpolarisations, st take off.... anni chusa. chala chusa. prabhakar kuda gurtunnadu. almost moribund, vachinappudu. ecg kosam pampincha. dead body ni venakku techaru. pulse tagalanappudu auscultate chesundalsindemo. atanu vf lo lekapoyina atleast oxygen pettindalsindemo. atani death lo naa baadhyata entundo naakaite arthamkavadam ledu. cheppe vallu kuda evaru/. adigi telusukune teerika kuda ledu---anni op sheets chetilo. annii chest pain kosame... I dont know. adi jarigi inni rojulaindi. inka chadavaledu daani gurinchi. nijangane busy ga unnano leka unnananukuntunnano]

aa tarvata kuda chest pain cases chusa. aspirin, clopidogrel sorbitrate... Ide naa paridhi. aa tarvata physician ku pettestunna. before the onset of arrythmias. huh
Still not sure of triage. Ee uncertainity nachatledu. Nenu nerchukovali. but eppudu/ ekkada?

i'm happy, that i could anwswer all the sir's questions. ecg alaanaa ammay read chesedi, first rate? rhythm/ axis? p wave? pr? st? t waves? qrs complexes? annintiki answers cheppa. nenu cheppina findings nu analyze chesadaayana. baaganipinchindi. Naa side nundi aa matram effort lekapointe aayana analysis daaka vachevadu kaademo. and clinical application is what I need to learn here. it is what my books dont teach. huh.

scorpion sting
dog bite

oka daani rx theory telusu. inkoka daanni nene treat chesa.
Snake bite is the one left now. Which I still have to learn

seizure management, stilll not sure.
phenytoin loading dose 2 to 3 times petts. diazepam ela istaro kuda telsu. 2 to 3 times petts. kaani edi e set up lo istaro inka not sure.
theory and practhical veru ga kanipistunnay. i mean, pani chesetappudu nenu nerchukunnadi apply cheyaleka potunna. apply cheyadaniki try cheyadaniki pustakaalanu cheuse time teerika oopika undatledu. Nenu inka better ga cheyochu. cheyatledu.

dopamine drip petta. cpr chesetappudu atropine ivvadam chusa. half life takkuva, ns to push cheyamannaru evaro. adi adenosine and sodium nitroprusside ku sambandhinchi kada, I dont knwo. naaku raado ataniki raado. evarinadagaali ippudu nenu? sekhar sir? chuddam.

adrenaline cpr chesetappudu entistaru ela istaru/ iv ivvakudadu kada/ ivvocha?
acls ku dabbulu kattali

ge lu matram confident ga treat chestunna.kani inka rationale nu oppukoleka potunna. evari burra tinaloI'm happy first posting casualty padinanduku, surgery and med pade time ki konta base to vellagalanu kada. doubts anni ippude vachestay. I'll still have opportunity to learn.

Inka pain abdomen. rantac eppudistaro pantop ekkada prefer chestaro artham kadu. sekhar sir nu adagali. ok. preliminary treatment aite istunna, kani first examination to diagnosis pettalema? cyclopam laku rantac laku patient relief cheppaka pote ne emergency suspect cheyala? emergency ante symptomatic therpy ku respond avvanidanaa artham? how ridiculous. I need to learn everything about this. eppudo surgery posting appudu kadu. ippude nerchukunta. casualty aipoitylopu ateeast pain abdomen anna treat cheyagalagali kada.

rta's. ikna pattu raledu. injuries nu kuda confident ga describe cheyaleka potunna. pratidaaniki sekhar sir sekhar sir ani tiragadame. I must be able to work by myself. inni rojulaindi. inka iv line ventane secure cheyadam loni importance artham
kavatledu naaku. especially rta lu.

antaga concentraqte cheyatlledemo nenu. anduke nemo inta incompleteness. just pani complete chesukoni vellalani chustunnanemo. inka dhyasa petti panicheyali. naaku ee opportunity malli radu. sam, take care.

avnu nijamenemo. cath pettadamlo anta failure rate kuda andukenemo. huh. adi naaku vacho rado naaku ippatiki teleedu., I dont knwo

foley's ok. mistakes anni kiran sir kantlo ne padaali, aayane correct cheyaali nannu. aina aayana nanne enduku pilustaaro malli malli foleys pettadaniki. ok anukunnaremo.\
ennni pedutunnano lekka ledu naake. okkka bph ku aina pettali housie aipoye lopala.

ryle's kuda ok. first pettaledanna oka feeling undindi. but now its gone. taka taka
petteyagalanu confident ga.

kani poisionings complete ga manage cheyaledu. vachevanni rmlc's. atropine and pam ichese pampistaaru. doses gurinchi aalochinchadaaniki kuda teerika ledu. number of ampuoles to ne jeevitham gadichipotondi. okka ampuole ento naaku ippatiki teleedu.
poisonings meeda pattu kaavali inka naaku

last but not the least, sutures. sekhar sir to ippudu deal kudurchukunta. I have to learn it well. naaku vacheyali adi. vachu anna bhrama lo undakudadu. raadu anna feeling to bratakakudadu. suture raagane sir kosam wait cheyakunda nene velli veseyaali. I need that confidence. nas oppukodemo but still, i cant sacrifice my opportunities for her. I will not have a second chance. mundu nerchukunnake evarikaina nerpinchedi. lekapote nenu eppatiki assistant gane migilipotanemo.

sr okati chesa. tappu chesa first. kani nerchukunna. I'm happy.porapatuna suture material migilipote ela teeyaalo kuda chusukunna.

hope prem will be fine. adoka simple suture. sariga approximate kaaledemo ani naa feeling. feeling kadu nijamenemo. aa abbayi noppantunnadani baadhesi tondaraga kaanichesa. inkonchem slow ga chesundalsindi. its ok annadi akka. chuddam. chuddam.

Oh god! please please. nenu baaga nerchukovali. naakippudu 19 days matrame unnay. I have to learn well. i have to learn more.

inkaa janku vadalaledu naaku. eppudu vadulutundo adi. eppudu concentrate cheyadam nerchukuntano. I want it. I need it.

Try chestanu. Kau chestanu.
Cheyagalanu, naaku telusu. I know. i KNOW. :)

Tarun super. Atu gowtham itu fasi iddari tonu nenu tarun ku link ayyunnanani telisi shock ayya. rahim saresari. tarun kuda same loop lo unnadani teleedu nakippatidaka. Glad to know :)

And naseera... Tanaku nenu nachanani naaku enduko anipistu untundi, despite all evidences against it. Sam is ok, but not perfectly fit ani tana abhiprayamani naa observation.

Ravi chandra and lavanya. pani eppudu naaku appacheppinaa pedda feel ayyedanni kadu. but ninna kopamochindi. appatike 6 cases. vaatillo 4 mlc's. anni nene chusukuntunna. alaanti time lo anna cases teesukovaali kada. I'm irrtated. I'm damn irritated.

Nijame naseera cheppindi ninna. I need not be too 'generous' towards those. naa duty aipoyi half an hour ayyindi. inkaa naa cheta panulu cheyinchukuntunnaru vaalu darjaa ga kurchuni.adi realize avvakunda inka vaallu cheppindanta chestu kurchovadam--- huh, I'm a fool.

what else??

so ippatinundi dhyasa pettali
sutures nerchesukovali
chadavaali
inkaaaa better avvali. i have to become better. I ought to
and i will.

2010-04-12T11:20:00.000+05:30

nijamaa naa bonda... oka abaddam inko abbadam to replace ayyindi... ante.

huh

Nijam

2010-04-07T11:04:00.003+05:30

Naakishtam adi.

Prashantanga unchutundi nannu adi---Free from fear.. free from guilt... free from shame.
I go any length to keep it alive. For it makes me hold my head high.It keeps me free from fear... free from shame... free from guilt.

I want it. I need it. And i lived with it.............. Until I lost myself,a while ago... when, I dont know.

It just happened, And since then, 'I' am no where. truth is no where.

But the girl feels at home again, now??!!! Does what has happened just now, matter that much?

Thank u ra, If this is the first move, U inspired me to make this...

Jaada dorikindi naaku... I will find my way from here. I will take me back to the path that was once mine. I will take myself back to my world of joys and dreams. I will take myself back to my own dwelling place full of hope and zeal.

You showed me the traces of what was once called I.

Now I'm no longer a sailor trappped in worst of waters, tossing hopelessly at the mercy of waves.I know where I need to go. I have a compass. And I will set my sail.

Naato untav kadu, toduga... ... ... ...

2010-03-30T13:04:00.002+05:30

1st day of internship

em rayali?

edo rendu injections vesa

Endukilagundi naaku
I dont know

I dont know

ee first days nene jagrattaga build chesukovali.

I must not collapse
I must not

Nene jagrattaga chusukunta

I WILL

Naaku kaavalasindi saadhinchukunta ante

2010-03-25T14:19:00.002+05:30

I cant stand this...
I want to scream
I WANT TO SCREAM

enduku idi ilaga
nenenduku ila unnanu?
nakenduku emi chetakadu

why why and why?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME

Okkosari anipistundinaku chala kovvani. naa life naaku inni ichina emi ledani edupumukham vesukuni vuntanani

but what why and how

emo naku teleedu
naku pichekkindi

I'VE GONE MAD

naku prapancham loni deni viluvaa teleedu
edi chetakadu.

oka guha loki vellipoyi bratakalanukunedanni okappudu. prapancham nachaka

Ippudu naku nenu nachatledu

Naa inability nannu anukshanam vekkiristondi. I'm being touchy.

tattukolekapotunna
oppukoleka potunna
bharinchaleka potunna

naa chetakavadam ledippudu

i cant stand all this.
I wanna die
I wanna quit everything
I wanna quit everyone

2010-02-28T14:39:00.002+05:30

huh
rayadaniki matram em migilindi

nenu naku eppudaina okkasaraina nachutana

Nannu nenu tittukoni roju ikkataina untunda?

sam
sam
sam
sam
sam

sam

no
no
no

no
entidi
entidi

I dont know
I dont know
I dont know
I dont know
I dont know

why do I hate everything
why do I hat e everyone
why do I hate my existence.

Its just as if I'm waiting for my own destruction. Its like I'm waiting for myself to build enough courage to kill myself.

2010-02-27T21:48:00.001+05:30

enti nenu ila tayaraipoyanu??

Ippudu light teesukuni repu badha padala??

NO WAY.

Ee roju jariginde jariginatlu
lekapote lenatle
ante ante ante
ante ante ante
ante ante ante

ippudu nenu kurchuni chesinde chesinatlu

thats it

2010-02-25T12:47:00.002+05:30

how many itmes will you stare at that paper?

You cant create marks, can you?

If you dont represent everything you know, on that paper... who is gonna help you?

40 marks ku attempt chesina vallu oka 2 marks tappu cheste vallaku pedda teda padadu. 25 marks ku paper rasi 4 marks telisi kuda tappu raste evaridi badhyata??

2010-02-24T16:46:00.001+05:30

hyp cong pyloric stenosis

2010-02-24T16:42:00.002+05:30

now is ur time
waht you learn now is your strength.

GET STRONGER EVERY MOMENT

to be done

2010-02-24T16:18:00.003+05:30

sort and organize

laptop
books
all collections---books papers articles novels cds
notes and material
clothes
other items

downloads... list them all and complete
diaries.

PLAN N BOOST

2010-02-24T16:06:00.001+05:30

SATURATION VACHESTONDOOOOOOCH!

ee roju sangati chudu mundu. tarvati sangati tarbvata.
look at this golden moment dear. it is all yours dont waste it

2010-02-24T15:53:00.001+05:30

HANDLE CHEYAGALIGINA VAADIDE SUCCESS.

2010-02-24T07:46:00.002+05:30

what am I split in between?

Is it a sin to dream?
Is is all out of my bounds? Out of my reach?
Is it wrong to think of becoming better?

Am I bound to perish?
Are pleasure and confidence banned from my arena?

am I entitled only to pain panic disgust and depression.

Should I live with all these dirty ill feelings?
Oh how long?

Inka ennallu--- ee vyatha veedana baadha nissattuva narakam

I hate this life. I cant stand it any longer.

Am I waiting for some magic to set all things right for me at the moment, right now, right away?
cant I make things possi ble now?
wjhy do I fail in all of my attempts?
why is it as if someone is trying constantlly and consistently to make me fail utterly in all my attempts by whatsoevr means to nibble off the budding hope and strangthen my hatred for this life?

Is it wrong to dream?

Am I unfit and inccapable to dream of such things and think of making them real?

IS EVERYTHING OVER NOW?

Do I have nothing in my life with me now?

What is igt that I have to do now?

What is it that I need to do now?>

what is wron wiht me?
waht is wrong with my ways/

i lose all hope now?
I have no desire to face this world or ots people
I am all lost.

I'm not wiht myself

I'm worse than dead.

what am I trapped amidst?

what is it that I can do?

Is there anything in life that I can do now/

is there anything in me that can keep me alive?
Or is it all trash? is that all ash?

alll the empty minutes
all the lifeless breaths
all those vain attempts
all those vague realities

This pool of tears
these tonnes of fears

unmeasurable pain
unbearable torture

is this all I have for my life/

naa aashalanni chachipotunnay.
naku kalalu kane dhairyam leduppudu.
vastavalloki tongi chuse sthairyam antakanna ledu.

nakem modalupettalani kuda ledu.
pustakam teravalantene bhayamestondi.

malli tattukolenu. I cant bear it all again.

i just cant.
I JUST CANT.

oh marcipoyanu.
avnu ade devudu nakichina pedda varam.
I can forget. I can forget that something wrong has ever happened.
i can feel as fine as I had always been.

hope another avalanche doesn't set in, hope another small failure wouldn't get so big on me to smash all the life in me.

perhaps I've to redefine my definitions of success and failure.

perhaps I'm not that great or capable to do all those things I want to do.
Perhaps I'm petty, and I have to live with all petty desires of 1 2 under everything.
perhaps that is all I'm capable of.
Perhaps that is all I can expect from myself and my life.

Perhaps this would satisfy the imagined invisible being who is trying to ruin me.
Perhaps this would be enough to make myself immune to his assaults.

IF I CANNOT RUN, IF I CANNOT WALK, THEN i'LL CRAWL ATLEAST... ITS BETTER THAN STANDING STILL,NO?

2010-02-15T08:26:00.001+05:30

I SET OUT NOW.

MY WILL IS STRONG. IT COMES FROM THE CORE WITHIN ME. AND CORE IS SOMETHING THAT IS ALL INFLUENTIAL BUT UNINFLUENCED.

WATCH.

2010-02-15T07:29:00.003+05:30

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS 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2010-02-14T19:00:00.001+05:30

Ekkuva vaddu. Bld. Endocrines. Msk. Poisioning

2010-02-14T12:21:00.001+05:30

Enti ee acute symptoms sam? Ila bhayapadite bagupadatavanna feeling emaina unda stupid

2010-02-14T06:21:00.001+05:30

Vallu badhapadutunnaru veellu edustunnaru...my foot.

Eppudu vallu veellu antena. Nuvvodda neeku. Inkennellu? Ala vadileyaleva? Undedi oke okka roju, danni kuda pogottukuntava?

Chesi sadhinchedemaina unda? Evvariki nuvvoddu. Neeku kuda nuvvodda? Alantappudu enduku bratikunnav? Po chachipo.

I want u to work for me, for none else. I want u to grieve for me, atleast for once, atleast 4 now.

Chalu prapanchaniki ichina time.
.

Neeku andari edupulu kanipistaye naadi kanipinchada,

evari badha tattukolev, nannu matram enduku pattinchukovu?
Nenante neeku lekka leda?

Vallevariki nuvvoddu. Edustav vallandari kosam, gantalu rojulu samvatsaralu...

Edavamani valladigara ediste vallakemaina vastunda? Valla kosam nee sarvaswanni marchipoyi edustav. Vallaku nuvoddani telisi edustav.

Atleast ne concern ku consideration ku kuda nochukoleda nenu? Nenodda neeku? Am i unwanted? Nuvvu nannu care cheyaka poina ippatidaka ninnodalledu nenu. Alanti nannu nuvvu akkaraledu nuvvante nashtam nuvvunte kashtam ane vari kosam badhapadutu marchi potava?

Badha padadam goppanukuntunnava? Tyagasheeli vi ani anip4ochukovalanukuntunnava? Leka ademaina tikka? Telivi takkuvatanam adi telusuko.

If u wanted to punish ur self, u have suffered enough. It has costed u enough.

Inka nee time anta naadi. Telusuko, naa meeda invest chesina ee moment vrudha podu. I wil return it back, u know it pretty well.

Prapancham chudadaniki matrame undi. Matladadanikg matrame umdi. Jaali padadanikh matrame undi. Navvu kovadaniki matrame undi.

Daaniki neeto paniledu. Nuvu unna lekapoina poddu podustundi poddu kunkutundi. Nenu needaina korikanu. Nenu matrame nee sontam. Ninneppatiki veediponi nestanni, ninneppatikh nirasha parachani chaitranni. Cheekati lo velugu nu. Badha ln odarpunu. Kashtam lo kanti tudupv nu. Nispruha lo aashanu. Nene nee sontham nenokkatn nee sontham. Naato cherite swargbnni andista. Vastava???

Naa gontu nulimey,

2010-02-06T19:33:00.002+05:30

ante. artham kadu.

Chala samayallo ado rakanga tikkaga tayaravadam enduko...?!
How should I come out of such situations?

buddhi bhrashtam...huh!

I think I know what to do.
I think I know what my mistake is.
evvarito matladakunda naa prapanchamlone trap aipoinappudu----- buddhi kuda kunchinchukupoindemo. em jarugutondo telusukolenanta tikka. evaraina cheppina talakekkananta tikka.

Its unhealthy.
Ilanti unhealthy habits and thoughts unnappude alaanti tappulu.

Am i out of it now?
Atleast all this is not stale and stagnant. Flowing thoughts wash away the waste, no??

2010-02-05T22:02:00.001+05:30

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssskkkkksssssssksksssssssssssssssssssssssssksssssssssssssssssssssslfffffffffffffffffiewwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn mmmmcxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoeriwopeirr4nnnnnnnnnnnnvvvvvaq[0333333333333594865999999aq jsnskdcnwioe5u4389674928-20eoreiotu85uiorgjkfdngfmcnvdjskfjsoturiotueriotu498549582098209rpowrioqrkal;ksdlcms,zxmcxkvfdkjghriturtr9879403582894043otioewptjrkgjfkvncxmnvskljferiotut79348-0q2-

whom am i cheating?

huh!

2010-02-03T21:17:00.002+05:30

AAHA AAHA ENNI DAAAAAAAARULU VEDUKKUNTUNNAV SAM NINNU NUVVU TRUPTI PARUCHUKOVADANIKI.

REALIZE THAT THEY ARE ALL TEMPORARY
REALIZE THAT THEY ARE ALL STUPID

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR VALUABLE TIME
YOU ARE WASTING YOUR VALUABLE TIME

YOU ARE SPILLING IT
U R LETTING IT DRAIN AS SULLAGE

YOU WILL NOT HAVE IT AGAIN SAM

IF YOU WASTE IT NOW, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE IT AGAIN
u WILL NEVER HAVE WAHT YOU WANT AGAIN.

iPPATIKI KOLPOINDI CHALU. INKA KOLPOVADDU. DONT

IPPATIDAKA NUVVU CHEYALEKA POINA, KOLPOINA VATANNINTINI TALCHUKUNI BADHA PADADAM MANESAV. LIGHT TEESUKUNNAV. YOU HAVE FORGIVEN URSELF. You have accepted yourself again.
IPPUDU NUVVU ENNI FOOSISH PANULU CHESINA NINNU NUVVU KSHAMINCHUKOGALAVU kuda.

Kani ee 1 month poorthiga utilize chesukoledani neeku anipiste matram you cant forgive yourself sam

realize
sit
close your eyes
imagine yourself blank and indrawn. Imagine the scene when you suddenly realize that everything is over and you are left with nothing....

Now imagine peace. imagine satisfaction. Imagine joy.

what do you want sam. it is alll in ur hands sam. use this month.

HERE AFTER, DONT DO ANYTHING THAT TAKES YOU AWAY FROM THE BEST YOU COULD DO IN THESE 30 DAYS.

JUST DO NOT

YOUR TIME STARTS NOW DEAR.

NO OTHER MISTAKE IS UNFORGIVABLE NOW. THE ONLY THING FOR WHICH YOU WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF IN YOUR LIFE IS WASTING THESE 30 DAYS.

WORK
NOW.

2010-02-02T22:14:00.002+05:30

Oh I'm happpy. BecaUSE i HAVE STARTED TO READ. nOW I UNDERSTAND EVERYWORD i READ... AND i EVEN SEE THINGS GETTING COMPLETED.

:)

dont get lost by this piece of peace dear. you have to keep it perpetuating. YOU HAVE TO

IT IS YOUR DUTY

2010-02-02T21:43:00.001+05:30

Aei...

parushapu maatale neeku sari

Shaasinche nestanike nee meeda control.
So ee maata vinalsinde tappadu. Ee roju padukoneloga, pathology of conception and contraception aipovalsinde.

jagratta.

2010-02-02T13:02:00.000+05:30

Sam
sam
Sam

Sam

what is this?
WHAT IS THIS?

2010-01-22T08:19:00.001+05:30

4 ku levala. 5 ku lecha
poisoning peddaga chadavala. But i'm happy. Idi chalu nannu ee rojanta kurchobettadaniki

2010-01-21T22:48:00.000+05:30

Repu 4 ku levali. Leste chala labhalunnay...

Poisoning complete ga malli chadavachu. Anni correct ga malli nerchukovachu. Okka topic gurinchaina naku konta telusani cheppagala confidence sampadinchukovachu. More importantky i'm working anna dhyasa chala truptinistundi. Adi naku kavali. I want gt. To get every thing i want and to b able to deliver primary care to a patient of poisoning, i must wake up at 4 tomorrow

2010-01-19T17:06:00.002+05:30

kkknaku kopamostondi
I'm annoyed
I'm angry

I hate this.

i hate

2010-01-19T16:56:00.003+05:30

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aravalanundi gattiga

I WANNA SCREAM
SCRERAM TILL MY THROAT ACHES

i wanna shout
Shout because I'm not doin anyhting
shout because I'm wasting all my time and I'm frustated because of it.

I hate
I hate

2010-01-17T23:16:00.000+05:30

Ippudu modalaindi asalu sisalu poru. I'm on a race with myself. I know i'll go long.

:)

2010-01-17T10:50:00.002+05:30

this is not hysteria
this not fake or artificial euphoria.

this is just plain pure eternal joy.
this is simple boundless never diminishing pleasure.
This is peace.
this is calmness.

I'm enjoying it.
and I'm grateful for it.

Thank you.

:)

2010-01-17T10:40:00.002+05:30

enduko naa meeda naaku anta kopam ravatledu?
Nenem chesina nenu kshaminchestunna enduku?

nannu nenu kopaginchukovatledu enduke?

Enduku chala tondaraga kopam badha bhayam vagira feelings anni vachina naku teliyakundane 'marchipotunna'?!! Marchipoyi santoshanga untunna?

assalu indaka emaindi--ippudu emavtundi anna aalochana lekunda prati nimishamu edo okalaga---with a combination of all productive and unproductive deeds---- edo okati chestu santoshanga gadipestunna??

Hey wait... rojanta emi santoshanga undatledu. kani at the end of the day assalu em jarigindo marchipotunna. haayi matrame migultondi. navvu matrame migultondi. days leave no residual sorrows or regrets. I just sit to spend the NOW in what ever the way I feel like----- and the minute goes away sometimes getting some work done... and sometimes utterly wasted!!

Is this for good or bad?
Is this a boon or a bane?

Who knows?
Who cares?

but I realize onething. I'm able to realize the POINTS AND MOMENTS when,if a choice is made, the consequences can be dictated.Well recognising is not everything... I have to act at that point. And i will act.

2009-12-16T19:33:00.002+05:30

Chala samavatsarala tarvata malli naku nenu kanipistunnanu.

Kani inni samvatsaralu gadichinanduku edo oka improvement undali kada. Nenu ippudu munupati kante better kada. yeah I am better.

Ippudu naku enduku kashtanga undi
yeah kashtanga undi bandi kadalatledu anduke

enduku kadalatledu/

Strategy is not good technuque is not good
goals are not clear
even if I was clear, target is not attainable

kbe ware sam
U have 3 hrs

4 cases remaining

Hmmm...

Is that all?

2009-12-15T12:29:00.002+05:30

entido idi. Artham kavateldu. andinatle untundi kani edi naa sontam kadu. nadi antu edi ledu. Naavainavi naku nachatledu. Naku kavalasinavi navi kadu

Endukalaga?

Cant I amke things happen?
Cant I work out what I want?

Why dont things HAPPEN?

Does the fault lie in me?
If yes. what IS it?

What is it?what's wrong with me?
What should I do to MAKE things happen for me?

FOCUS??
JUST FOCUS??
Is it enough?
really?

Then I'll focus.

AND MAKE THINGS HAPPEN FOR ME.

paediatrics

2009-12-13T21:12:00.002+05:30

failure
utter failure

its 3 hrs already
still didn't complete diarrhoea

I came to know that i am going to face rp

Aina chadavatledu
Endukalaga

Nenu chadavali

I have to reasd
I have to learn

I have to face him confidently
I should not hang my head in fromt of him

I should face him well

I should face him

I will learn as much as possible now
I will learn as much as possible now

I have to learn
I have to learn

I have to answer him
I have to answer him
I have to answer him well

I will
I can read well tomorrow
I have ample of time
I will read well
I will learn
I will reproduce
I will master these topics
I am capable
I am efficient
I am a good sincere student
I am a committed girl
I am committed to doing my work
I am committed to doing my work of learning key concepts in pediatrics
I will learn everything I can learn in this 2 days

To learn is my duty
To make myself equipped with allt he information is my responsibility
I will do my duty
I will fulfil my responsibility

I am a responsible girl.

i willl do it

2009-12-13T19:59:00.001+05:30

nenu ippudu ilage unta...Aa tarvata edusta.

deeniki verega eppudaina emaina chesana?

Eppudo emi cheyakapote enti
Ippudu chesta. I'll have what i want

I WILL HAVE WHAT I WANT.
Now I want to complete diarrhoea in 25 min. And I will.
This is my verdict.

Nothing can prevent this from happening

My laptop says 20:02 now.
I will return at 20:25

...

2009-12-13T19:46:00.002+05:30

I dont know

Naku kavalasinadani kosam nenu poradali.
I have to stand for what I want.

What do I want?
What do I want?

WHAT DO I WANT?

yeah! I know what I want now

improve dear

2009-11-04T22:23:00.003+05:30

Chi entidi?

No
NO

I know what I am
I know what I want

Inkokari assistance kosam vedukkovadam enti... Chi

Sam
U know that u r ur only friend
stay with urself
Dont succumb to all those unnecessary longings

Dont
dont
DONT

No sam

Deal with urself

Deal with yourself

DEAL WITH YOURSELF

2009-10-22T16:59:00.000+05:30

Hatred. Towards what? I dont know...
I hate.
Hate my own existance.
I dont deserve myself

check this out!

2009-08-11T20:18:00.001+05:30

http://www.eenadu.net/archives/archive-9-8-2009/htm/2vnewfeatureshow.asp?qry=6&reccount=13

shit

2009-08-08T20:43:00.001+05:30

natta nadaka
Em cheyanu... guddi kanna mella melu anukovalemo

HUH

Wait and watch

NO

2009-08-07T18:54:00.001+05:30

iippudu ilage unta repu matram edusta

I am stupid
I will not be like this
5 hours left
I will not waste these

NO I will not

who knows!!

2009-07-31T16:40:00.002+05:30

Nenem rayalanukunnano marchipotaneno ani bhayamestondi.
Marchipote...malli rayakapote naa badha teeredela?/???

Oppukovadaniki konchem kashtanga undi
Difference gamanincha kani adi indifferrence ayyuntundi ani expect cheyaledu
Assalu expect cheyaledu

Aa indifference nu oppukolekapotunnanu
Tattukoleka potunnanu
Naa valla assalu kavatledu danni accept cheyadam

I am not able to do it
badhaga undi
kashtanga undi

indifference nu kaligi unna relation....can it really sustain---ippatilaga.
Is it possible for such a relation to stay alive.. hail and healty??
I dont know

Aina result naku favourable ga undunte---I mean nenu korukunnade jarigunte nenu intaga badhapadedanni kademo...

Avasaram leni chota inta fuss jarugutonte tattukoleka potunna
I am not able to bear it. chala kashtanga undi

asalu intajarugutondani kuda naku teleedu. I didnt know'
Is this just abt givin ?

I am not able to analyse
ippudu nenu 'badha' antunnadi nijaniki badha kademo. adi bhayamemo
leda guilt o

I dont know
Naku teleedu....

maree--- emo.

Naku value teliyalani ala cheyadam jarugutondemo.... though involuntary!!!

Emo...who knows

Ha!

2009-06-21T18:10:00.002+05:30

kakali tappadu

Ee impatience ku outlet kavalante tappadu
reseyali tappadu

Anta raseyali
edupu aagedaka rayali
kanneellu kaarinantasepu rayali
manasu telika padedaka rayali

I have no other go
I want to write everything

I want to vent out all agony and confusion
I want to make myself free from all sorrows all confusions
I want to stay calm cool and focus on my life
focus on my goal
focus on my passion
focus on my existence
focus on my abilities

I will see what I can do.

I will see what i can do
I will see what I can do

I will see what I can do

go!

2009-06-21T18:01:00.003+05:30

Asalu tikka godavallo sollu gossip la lo involve ayye time kuda undaleni life kavalani kalalu kane danni

Alanti paristhiti ni nene dooram chesukuntunnanu

Get busy, sam.

Asalu chuttu em jarugutondo kuda pattinchukolenanta busy aipo

Samayam ela gadichipotundo kuda arthamkananta busy aipo

Evaru ekkadikelli potunnaro kuda telusukokunda kadalipo

Get busy.

GET BUSY

relish every minute of ur life

Relish evry moment of ur life

work...

2009-05-27T22:10:00.000+05:30

I want to love

LOVE my work

LOVE MY WORK

No

2009-05-26T20:05:00.001+05:30

I have gone mad!

No I haven t

pch!

2009-05-21T18:03:00.004+05:30

Dont know why I feel so gloomy!

Perhaps I know!

Yes, I know.
I know the reason for everything
The reason is hatred
Hatred for this feeling of dissatisfaction that I live with.

Hatred for the dissatisfaction I bear.

I dont like myself.

I want to weep... bitterly.
BITTERLY.

i WANT TO WEEP.
i HATE MYSELF FOR BEING THIS.
i HATE MYSELF FOR BEING THIS.
i HATE BEING MYSELF...

i KNOW I CANT FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THIS KIND OF HATRED.
bUT STILL i HAVE TO EXPRESS IT
sTILL, i WANT AN OUTLET

i DONT WANT THIS
i DONT WANT THIS .

THIS STUPID LIFE OF ADJUSTMENT, RATIONALIZATION.

i AM TRYING TO KEEP MY HEAR SRTAIGHT, ALWAYS , BY GIVING REFERENCE TO PAST GLORY...AND PAST ACHIEVEMENTS
i DINT AGREE THIS.
i WANT EVR\ERY DAY OF MY LIFE TO EARN ME SOMETHING
i WANT IT TO EARN ME SATISFACTION
iMMENSE PLEASURE
BOUNDLESS JOY
FEELING OF ACCOMPLISHMENT

i WANT IT
i WNAT IT
i WANT TO DO SOMETHNING
i WANT TO DO SOMETHING

HA!

2009-05-14T13:47:00.004+05:30

i dont really believe that these personality tests do tell me something about myself!!
But still, I keep doing them
I find fun in doing them
I tend to spend time in trying to judge them and analyze them

I'm silly, amn't I??

2009-05-14T13:47:00.001+05:30

Global Personality Test Results

Stability (46%) medium which suggests you average somewhere in between being calm and resilient and being anxious and reactive.
Orderliness (10%) very low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.
Extraversion (36%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

Take Free Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

2009-05-14T13:38:00.000+05:30

Enneagram Test Results

Type 1	Perfectionism	\|\|	10%
Type 2	Helpfulness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Type 3	Image Focus	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Type 4	Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	78%
Type 5	Detachment	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	54%
Type 6	Anxiety	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Type 7	Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	62%
Type 8	Aggressiveness	\|\|\|\|	18%
Type 9	Calmness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%

Your main type is 2
Your variant is self pres

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

Main Type	Overall Self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

12/5/09

2009-05-12T21:38:00.003+05:30

Blogs ekkuvaipoyay

Visugochesidi!!!!!!~

But this is my sole sweet site :)

Edi kotta utsaham.... Utsaham...just for soul
inka baddakam vadalaledu

Kani I am happy
I'm happy that I find myself alive again!
I'm happy to find this zeal in myself again.

After loooooooong gap!

I am really happy.
This is a good begining!

I'm satisfied!!

Today everything is just in feelings and words.
But tomorrow I must find everything in action.
My deeds must speak tomorrow.

I AM HAPPY

A pic's fuss!!

2009-05-12T00:47:00.002+05:30

Gandaragolam chesesa anta!!
:-)

Papam cover cheyadaniki trials veera level lo jarigay, But still---
Nenu chesinadi oka tikka pani...daniki em cheyalo artham kaka inkonni tikka panulu...

Aapaina em cheyalo artham kaka edupulu :)

aaveshanga blog kuda rasesa ededo!!!

Beware!

2009-05-02T11:23:00.001+05:30

Joy or sorrow… Whatever the news is..

I return!!

But today… Its something different.
Its like realization.

Well, these days I find myself realizing some stupid fact about everything
And always!!

I dont know
It was a spurt.
An episode of emotional outburst.
A couple of minutes when I became senseless…insensible..silly—I dont know what adjective to add!
Something which makes no sense to me.
Something which didn’t make any sense to me when it was actually happening.

It has nothing to do with this ‘realization’ however.

Its a fact.. An unquestionable fact…
That I have got a dangerous habit..
Of letting my thoughts wander as they please.. without any watch over them.

Its dangerous because, by doing so, I dont give myself any choice in there.
I dont give myself any control over them
I dont give myself any opportunity to screen them

thereby wiping out every possibility of my marching towards my dreams!!

I dont know what it is technically or conventionally called.
I choose to label them as dangerloops that trap energy, neutralize it, and so the fuel gets used up, but engine goes no where…

Ha! Ha!

This is a reminder for myself.

a reminder

2009-04-29T22:51:00.001+05:30

AMMANEM ANODDU
AMMANEM ANODDU

AMMANEM ANODDU

Go sam

2009-04-29T20:17:00.002+05:30

Anta jarigipotondi.
Jarigipotundi, mamule!!

Ha! Ha!

Navvali.
Navvali sam.

Smile

Ediste problems solve avvavu sam.
Dhairyanga face chey.
Anni nee panula ve consequences.

Face them.
Dont try to escape
Dont escape the strugle
Dont escape the pain

Have them.
Relish them
Get through them.

Enni rojulu paaripotu bratukutav.
Enni rojulu dakkontav

Its enough
ITS ENOUGH.

March ahead yaar
March ahead

:)

I'll study :)

2009-04-25T18:44:00.000+05:30

Inta frustation ento!!

But still I am fine now. Happy.... :)
Inkemundi ippudu?
Chaduvta
Chatanainanta chaduvta
chatakanantavaraku chaduvta

Thats it!!

Go by ur beliefs

2009-04-24T21:11:00.000+05:30

Feelings
Unnatla? Lenatla?

Undadam sugunamaa? Lekapovadam neramaa?
Naku edaina anipinchinda leda ani nenu aalocinchukovala?
Should I feed myself to feel things?
Is being feelingless a sin?
A I really feelingless?

Asalu feel avvadam ante?
Edcheyadama?
sanubhuti chupincheyadama?
Vallu padutunnanta badha nenu kuda padadama?

Shouldn't I have my own definitions?
Then what exactly is my definition??

Spandinchadam ante---
Well I think I understand.
I think I understand.

Rayaleka poina adento naku telusu.

Thats my way of reacting.
Evarem expect chestaru anna danni batti manalni manam malachukovalasina avasaram ledu. Konni exceptions pakkanapedite...asalu alantivi criteria ga pettukokudadu.

The only valid criteria are ur beliefs.
Find what u believe.
Go by ur beliefs.
Not people
Not their reactions
Not their expectations

Just ur beliefs.

EEEE

2009-04-22T22:52:00.003+05:30

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

eM LEDU BAGUNDI, aNTE!!!
i WILL CELEBRATE!!!

cELEBRATION... iS THYROID!!!!!!!
:) :) :)
;) ;) ;)

DRAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

2009-04-22T22:44:00.000+05:30

Em rayali...

Nijamenemo..
Excuses lone bradikestunnanemo...
Why excuses..
Why defence...
Why explanations..

Whats the need of all this??

I dont know
Dont know...

Hey!!!
Malli excuse...

Ha! Ha! Ha!

Conditioning is reversible...
Deconditioning is quite posible.

Ippatinundi no 'emo'
Absolutely No 'naku teleedu'

Edaite enti cheppu....
Edaina sare parvaledu, face cheyadame!
Ante!

Antekani chandalanga excuses enti?
Rationalization enti??

NO WAY!!!!

Just like that!!

2009-04-08T08:39:00.001+05:30

Was talking to Manju

:)

Hate it

2009-04-07T21:19:00.002+05:30

I have really turned mad.

Emi chadavatledu............................................................................................................
I HATE IT

Modalupedutunna ippudu.....

No retreat this time

Ha! Ha!

2009-04-07T19:04:00.002+05:30

Gone mad again.

Pustakam mundu leka pote naku tikkekkutundi malli.
Ento, aravalanundi.

What yaar... Neeku kavalasindi dorakatledani edcheste ela.
Sadhinchuko. Nothing is impossible.

Aravadam valla panulu jaragav..Aagavu kuda le!!

Aravochu...Kani akkadito aagipoku. Get what u want :)

7/4

2009-04-07T16:58:00.001+05:30

Asalu em raddamani open chesano mari...
Pata raatalu chaduvutu marchipoya!!

Well! 6 15

Modalavutundi ippudu!!!

Here I go!

:)

2009-04-01T21:46:00.002+05:30

Enduko teliyadu
Naku eeroju naku chala rayalanipistondi...

Pani cheyadam kanna rayadam ishtamainadi..kashtam lenidi kada! Andukenemo!!

What ever it may be. I love this moment.
Enduko teliyadu. I am begining to love the way my fingers work on my keyboard.
I dont think I have ever enjoyed this.
But I like the way they move on the keys!!

I am happy.
I am contended.

I will work.
I will work to my heart's content.

i will work beyond my limits.

I will work till everything in me wears off.
I will work till I cannot stand it any longer.
I will work till my body doesnt cooperate any further.

I know that my soul will never retire.
I know it will stand all odds.
I know it will take me to my destiny.

Me--An Idealist??!!

2009-04-01T10:57:00.002+05:30

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soulmate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are relatively rare, making up no more than 15 to 20 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

Idealists at Work
Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. They are naturally drawn to working with people and are gifted with helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potential both on, and off, the job.

Conscience looms large for you; in almost any situation, you feel compelled to measure yourself, other people, and the conditions of the environment against your personal morality. You have a tendency to perceive questions of meaning in even trivial matters and to worry about far-flung consequences of your actions. In your ideal job, you are free to pursue depth rather than breadth and quality rather than quantity. You feel rewarded when your projects and daily tasks allow you to immerse yourself in your process as deeply as you "need to" in order to satisfy your inner standards of quality. You are uncomfortable with the notion of authority per se and may avoid leading, as well as being led, either consciously or unconsciously. As you experience them, adhering to fixed roles and rules amounts to an abdication of your responsibility to exercise your conscience.

A change..

2009-03-30T20:34:00.002+05:30

March 19, 2009

I believe
That the problem is deep

I believe
that my misery now,
is neither a single day’s mishap
Nor a consequence of a single wrong decision

I believe
that the problem is deep.

I believe
that it has its roots
In age old habits

I believe
that it has its origin
in ever cherished feelings
Of reluctance

I believe
that the problem lies with
unchallenged tendencies
Of being easily influenced
and universally yielding..

If I’ve identified myself right,Then

The solution to all my problems is 'Change'

Change into uniqueness
Change into a discrete core…
Change into an existing reality..

Change into a being--
With a character of her own
With beliefs, behaviour; Accent, attitude
Of her own,

All uninfluenced---
By the world around
Or its rules;
By the people around
Or their expectations...

I want toLive as myself
Unaltered…and unalterable
Undestroyed…and undestroyable

I want
Unique and unified
Me.

oph

2009-03-28T21:36:00.003+05:30

I dont know what to write

I dont know what to talk of today's performance
In fact I dont want to talk abt this
I dont want to talk abt anything

I really dont want to.

A million things are going on in my mind
But I am deliberately trying to ignor them
Coz I believe---want to believe that nothing in this world matters except work
Feelings emotions.....everything
I dont even want to list anything
I dont want to think of them even for the purpose of making a list of them.
I dont know if I am right
I dont know if I am forcing myself into a wrong way
I dont know

I dont know

I dont want to know
I dont want to try to know

I will listen to myself again only when I satisfy self

I dont like this either
I dont like anything
I dont like anything

ANYTHING

I dont know what to write

I dont want to write anything

It occurs to me that i must use my brain and guide myself...guide these sentences and words in a 'productive way'...

I dont want to

I dont

I dont.

Oh my god, I want to get away from it atleast here...
No I dont want to run aaway from my own problems

I dont like to

How many 'dont's' are there on this page???!!!!!!

Lunacy!!!

2009-03-19T13:37:00.003+05:30

I am lucky

Luckiest girl in the world
For having this place for myself
For having this for my own self

For having a space
All to myself

To scribble anything
To write any trash I wish to

Ha!
Am I a patient of psychiatry?

People would make me anything they like

But they are not the dictators of my life

They are not the dictators...

I own myself
I own myself

I own every moment of my life
I own every move of mine
I own every thought of mine
I own every virtue of mine
I own every vice of mine
I own every dream of mine
I own every desire of mine
I own every inch of my soul
I own myself

this is all my property

This is all my property

I can do any thing I want with my life
No one has got any right or control over it

Its my life

I have got responsibilities
I have got responsibility
to give them the correct harvest

I know

But I can keep up my responsibilities only when I am contented with myself

Only when I will be satisfied with myself

I must satisfy myself first

I must satisfy myself first

I need stisfaction
I need satisfaction

Why do I hate myself??

2007-12-12T12:12:00.000+05:30

Why does this always happen?

I hate the way I am.
I hate the way I deal with things.

I feel I dont act when I need to.. that I dont act the way I need to...whatever may be the issue, I never feel like approving my acts
I never feel satisfied about the way I behaved.
I hate every deed of mine.
I feel bad about every reaction of mine.

I become so agitated that my mind gets blocked and loses all ability and stability to be rational and reasonable.

When I say something, and sit back to think about it, I never agree to what I said. I am very likely to cross and contradict my own statements. I hate this difference between what I really feel and what I say.

Why dont I approve what I say? Why cant I say what I approve?
Why dont I approve what I do? Why cant I do what I approve?

Why does this disparity really exist? I am a single person and not two---one who does and another who judges!! But why this disparity??

Even if I find myself wrong, I think I do have the courage to admit that I am wrong and confess it...But I cant forgive myself for being wrong...I just cant.

These thoughts paralyse me more than the actual consequences of my deeds

2007-12-11T12:40:00.000+05:30

37.5 %

My weblog owns 37.5 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

Afraid???

2007-11-08T17:43:00.000+05:30

Fear of a problem is often worse than the problem itself.

Make sure that you are bothered about the problem...not the fear.

చిరునవ్వుకు చిరునామా...

2007-11-05T16:13:00.000+05:30

మౌనానివో
మాటవో
మధురమైన కవనానివో..

కలవో
కార్యానివో
చిగురాశల విరితోటవో..

భావానివో
బంధానివో
తీర్చాల్సిన బాధ్యతవో..

అనుభూతివో
ఆప్యాయతవో
అనుబంధ చందనానివో..

గమ్యానివో
మార్గానివో
ఉన్నతిని సూచించే మైలురాయివో..

నా ఆనందానికి నెలవైన నీవు
ఎవరివో స్పష్టంగా తెలియకపోయినా

నీ కొరకే నా సమయం..
నీ వైపే నా పయనం..

Promise...

2007-10-29T17:39:00.000+05:30

Promise..
Swear...
Take an oath...
Give a word...

Whats the fun of taking or making, when you cant keep them?
And if you really have no intention of violating them, whats the need to make them?

Goal is flexible...Plans are flexible... Descisions are flexible...
Destination is flexible...Path is flexible...Mode of journey is also flexible...

And amongst all these flexibles,
promise is onething that needs to be kept...
Promise is onething that is meant to be kept...
Promise is onething that is made to prevent ourselves from violating it...

Need of a promise arises only when you are constantly doing something which you dont intend to.
Need of a promise arises only when you want yourself to bind yourself to do something.

When you dont put effort to keep them...
When you dont care to watch if any of your deeds is violating a promise..
Then what really is the purpose of it? Whats the fun of making and breaking promises??

Take an oath that you dont promise things you cant keep or dont believe in keeping them...And that you will put your life to keep those you make...

And if you dont believe that you will keep this oath, then try the easiest of all---- Promise that you dont make any further promises in your life...That you will have no commitments.
But then, dont demand more that you get...b'coz , then, you dont deserve what you wish to get.

[.......shrug]

2007-10-08T22:55:00.000+05:30

I can witness a lot of change in me..

I find myself shedding off my laziness and taking charge of things...Almost everything!!

I find things happening as per my orders...my orders in the truest sense...without the influence of others!

I find myself dealing with things without avoiding them as I was used to.

I find myself clear...free from many many confusions that have been baffling me since long.

I now feel....
that there is nothing left to continue to think about...
Whats left is--
transforming what exists...
and creating what doesn't exist!!

my love...

2007-10-02T15:56:00.001+05:30

I love her.
I know what all she has done for me. Its because of her that I am like this now. But what do I do for her?
Manipulate things and erect a false portrait?{sr} I hate myself.
Create problems for her? Become a problem for her?(She will never feel so-But it doesn't cease to be truth, right?)Damn it.

What do I really do for her, though I claim to do many many things for her(Medicine, Medicines,'Psychological sharing of burdens' ...Funny, isn't it?)

My life...Love it more than her..
But is my life different from hers? She has given me life!!
Then what do I really expect me to do to prove that I Love my Life??
I AM happy, right?

My proffession...Want to love it..but cant!!
Want to give my everything for it, but dont!!
Because for me, everything else is also important--friends, their feelings and emotions; people and their opinions on me, my attire, my attitude, my academics, my appearance; my poetry; my portrait; my pleasures; Comments; compliments; Compassion; Consideration; Consolation; Domination; Competence...What not??

I want everything.
I wany everything.
Cant I get them all??

I will never 'stagnate'

2007-08-14T17:26:00.000+05:30

Whats really troubling me?
Whats it that always continues to trouble me?
Whats it that never ceases making me numb?
Whats it that pestures me, tortures me and literally makes me feel worst???

For instance,
Todays incident...

I spoke out something.
I now regret my speaking out because it was not appropriate. And I say it was not appropriate because--The reactions of people around me suggest that I was wrong. Even I feel that it is indeed my stupidity to speak like that.

But I have spoken it out. That was not my thought. That was repitition of someone else's thought, without any processing...huh!

But it was I who spoke it out. And it is now portrayed as my thought. Shit.

All this frustation is not because I was portrayed a fool. It is not because I was perceived wrongly. It is because I have spoke it out.
The cause for my frustation is hatred for my action. Honestly, not the consequences.
I hate my saying those words. I hate my sluggishness in not caring what I am speaking out.
I hate myself because I have stopped thinking and literally stagnated.

I hate stagnation.

My Love??

2007-08-10T17:06:00.000+05:30

How do I define love?
'To love...
is to have all my
Thoughts focussed at it,
feelings craving for it,
emotions caring for it,
senses serving for it,
actions toiling for it---
In short,
My love is my everything.'

Yes true. But then, it obviously means that I dont love anything or anyone. No??

Thats me...

2007-08-08T15:49:00.000+05:30

Things are getting worse. Days roll by but I remain the same--Old, drab, stupid and worthless...

But I dont seem to bother...Well, to be honest, I dont understand what to bother about and what to ignore. I dont understand how to think of sooooo many things at a time and manage everything.

But I can say onething...

Amongst the endless list of things that 'trouble' me, one thing for which I can never forgive myself is my INCOMPETENCE. Speaking of incompetence, I mean to refer to my profession. If I dont improve day by day in terms of knowledge and skill, if I dont care to put effort to learn and practise, I can never forgive myself.

I can forgive myself for being absent minded and landing into troubles.
I can forgive myself for not caring about attire and appearance and being a prey for comments.
I can forgive myself for not defending myself when prone for comments.
I can bear my being branded a fool.
I can tolerate my being exploited.
I can stand my being projected as a comic character.

BUT...

I cant bear my inefficiency if I couldn't do what I ought to do as a doctor.
I cant stand the torture posed by my conscience when I fail to diagnose and treat a case correctly.
I cant tolerate my being negligent and careless towards my profession.

Medicine is my life
Medicine is my everything

When I can successfully accomplish all my duties as an efficient doctor, then, I think, otherthings being wrong doesn't bother me.

As long as my conscience doesn't accuse me of being inefficient, I think, worst would also be fine for me.

???

2007-08-06T23:14:00.000+05:30

Things seem too strange these days. Or is it I who has become strange?

Have been struggling to make myself clear about whats really happening for the past ten days---Between me, my mom and my friends--reg. pulse...
She doesnt agree. She doesn't deny either.
I dont persuade. I dont refrain either.
I interpret whats happening in a milllion different ways while speaking to different people, but dont really know which explanation is really valid.

The solid truth is I am going there.

What is Success??

2007-08-04T23:22:00.000+05:30

For me,
Success is Perfection..
Success is Excellence..
Success is Competence.
Nothingelse in this world can pacify me.

I dont know...

2007-08-04T22:41:00.000+05:30

Seems I am out to write a sequel to the previous post! Or mere repetiton of the previous ones?
I dont care...This is an outlet..with out which I am sure to ruin my peace!!

I feel too bad at times. Coming out of those moods is not difficult, Yeah, Not really difficult...But I dont want to...I really dont want to.

I would want to weep---bitterly...I feel I deserve to weep.. And I deserve the pain...
I want the emotion to get deep into my soul, twist me and squeeze me...
I want every other thought to be blocked and only the pain to remain...

I dont know why. I would want to convince myself that this is all silly and the only reality is the truth that everything can be handled...In fact, I know pretty well that nothing is so fatal...And that things are not really so worst...

But question comes---Do things need to be worst to cause pain? Or is there any hardfast rule that things being worst must cause pain?

I really dont understand...Things have gone beyond logic...And I still linger to this kind of posts trying to establish a valid syllogism...

People say pain is unbearable...But for me, Not being influenced by pain proves unbearable...It is a sin rather!

I dont dare to question why.