I will never 'stagnate'

Whats really troubling me?
Whats it that always continues to trouble me?
Whats it that never ceases making me numb?
Whats it that pestures me, tortures me and literally makes me feel worst???

For instance,
Todays incident...

I spoke out something.
I now regret my speaking out because it was not appropriate. And I say it was not appropriate because--The reactions of people around me suggest that I was wrong. Even I feel that it is indeed my stupidity to speak like that.

But I have spoken it out. That was not my thought. That was repitition of someone else's thought, without any processing...huh!

But it was I who spoke it out. And it is now portrayed as my thought. Shit.

All this frustation is not because I was portrayed a fool. It is not because I was perceived wrongly. It is because I have spoke it out.
The cause for my frustation is hatred for my action. Honestly, not the consequences.
I hate my saying those words. I hate my sluggishness in not caring what I am speaking out.
I hate myself because I have stopped thinking and literally stagnated.

I hate stagnation.

My Love??

How do I define love?
'To love...
is to have all my
Thoughts focussed at it,
feelings craving for it,
emotions caring for it,
senses serving for it,
actions toiling for it---
In short,
My love is my everything.'

Yes true. But then, it obviously means that I dont love anything or anyone. No??

Thats me...

Things are getting worse. Days roll by but I remain the same--Old, drab, stupid and worthless...

But I dont seem to bother...Well, to be honest, I dont understand what to bother about and what to ignore. I dont understand how to think of sooooo many things at a time and manage everything.

But I can say onething...

Amongst the endless list of things that 'trouble' me, one thing for which I can never forgive myself is my INCOMPETENCE. Speaking of incompetence, I mean to refer to my profession. If I dont improve day by day in terms of knowledge and skill, if I dont care to put effort to learn and practise, I can never forgive myself.

I can forgive myself for being absent minded and landing into troubles.
I can forgive myself for not caring about attire and appearance and being a prey for comments.
I can forgive myself for not defending myself when prone for comments.
I can bear my being branded a fool.
I can tolerate my being exploited.
I can stand my being projected as a comic character.

BUT...

I cant bear my inefficiency if I couldn't do what I ought to do as a doctor.
I cant stand the torture posed by my conscience when I fail to diagnose and treat a case correctly.
I cant tolerate my being negligent and careless towards my profession.

Medicine is my life
Medicine is my everything

When I can successfully accomplish all my duties as an efficient doctor, then, I think, otherthings being wrong doesn't bother me.

As long as my conscience doesn't accuse me of being inefficient, I think, worst would also be fine for me.

???

Things seem too strange these days. Or is it I who has become strange?

Have been struggling to make myself clear about whats really happening for the past ten days---Between me, my mom and my friends--reg. pulse...
She doesnt agree. She doesn't deny either.
I dont persuade. I dont refrain either.
I interpret whats happening in a milllion different ways while speaking to different people, but dont really know which explanation is really valid.

The solid truth is I am going there.

What is Success??

For me,
Success is Perfection..
Success is Excellence..
Success is Competence.
Nothingelse in this world can pacify me.

I dont know...

Seems I am out to write a sequel to the previous post! Or mere repetiton of the previous ones?
I dont care...This is an outlet..with out which I am sure to ruin my peace!!



I feel too bad at times. Coming out of those moods is not difficult, Yeah, Not really difficult...But I dont want to...I really dont want to.

I would want to weep---bitterly...I feel I deserve to weep.. And I deserve the pain...
I want the emotion to get deep into my soul, twist me and squeeze me...
I want every other thought to be blocked and only the pain to remain...

I dont know why. I would want to convince myself that this is all silly and the only reality is the truth that everything can be handled...In fact, I know pretty well that nothing is so fatal...And that things are not really so worst...

But question comes---Do things need to be worst to cause pain? Or is there any hardfast rule that things being worst must cause pain?

I really dont understand...Things have gone beyond logic...And I still linger to this kind of posts trying to establish a valid syllogism...

People say pain is unbearable...But for me, Not being influenced by pain proves unbearable...It is a sin rather!

I dont dare to question why.