I got the answer

Ento

anni vinta vinta thoughts, anni kotta kotta revelations!!

eemani interpret ch3eyaalo veetannintini??!! its all too abstract, too stupid rather... perhaps I am rationalizing...

I dont know .

nenu ilaage pichi pichi ga chetta chetta gaa unnappude comfortable ga unna.
as far as I am concerned, this-- i repeat --THIS is my comfort zone.
all of this is normal for me! whenever I deny it, or try to modify it, problems emerge...huh!
It always seems to me as adjustment, but perhaps, its wonderful that i'm like that.
its wonderful that something called sam who's like that exists in this world, pure and perverted, just like that.

i dont know if i amable to convey exactly what i feel... I dont know!!
but I know what I mean.
Its wonderful to be like this.
And its more wonderful being better.
Being better doesnt mean killing sam and replacing her with someother so called wonderful X
Its wonderful becoming a better sam, and now I know what i really mean by it!!
yeah! I do know waht I mean by it!
its not about forcing a wonderful style of doing things of someone else upon me, its all about getting absorbed in my own style of doing things and relishing it to the maximum. making myself better and betther and better

i love this.
i love working like this.
this keeps me very very comfortable. Stress free. happy. contended. energetic.

i dont care if anyone understands all the crap i write here... I dont care if all that I write here is misinterpretsed. it just doesnt matter to me. I am too happy to notice and worry about all these things right now! I am too happy!!

this is what is called sam, as on today... huh!

yes

Despite all my stupid distorsions, I have to agree.
I HAVE to agree that I am what I appear to be.

I am as foolish as I appear
As ignorant as I appear
as incapable as I appear
as irresponsible as I appear
As stupid as I appear



I dont know waht else to say...
I find no lore words.. I mean I cant bear writing more

I feel like a loser
I feel as if it was a waste of 21 years of my 'existance' on earth.
rock esists
dirt esists
so do I

Loving myself

yes, I am...

I dont think I can write more than this, though I want to ... In fact I have loads and loads of feelings waiting to be smeared in their brightest hues on this place of mine...

Thanks a lot, sir!!

Nannu tempt chestunnaru shankar sir!!

Oh my god! \i cant believe this!!
Oka 10 minute talk to nato samvatsaraluga vastunna pichi attitude ki virugudu chupinchesare!

sir మరీ నన్ను అంతగా influence చేసేసార, whem I am in a condition where my mind is no longer open to take any thoughts, advices or suggestions, అంత easy గా నిమిషాల్లో naa ee impenetrable barrier nu ela break chesesaru?!! how simple a solution did you give me!! Atleast, how simple you made it seem!!


I say onething today sir, When I succeed in doing what I want to, I will contact you no matter what, just to thank you sir. Coz all the credit goes to you, and only you!




THANK YOU SIR !!

dare to take decisions sam

dare to choose your next step. gali etu tarimite ala velladam kadu. Terachaapa nu neeku kavalasina result vachela vaaduko. Just use. ante :)

Waiting 4 my doc.

Ento. Nakem artham kavatledu. Tappento teleedu. Aina nenenti? Chetulu muduchuku khali ga kurchunte edo ashareera vani type lo dananantatade vachi solution istundanukuntunnana? Na

fag end of casualty posting...

Hmmm...

ryles and foleys ok.
cath inka perfect kaledu.
venesection nerchukune opportunity vadulukunna

sutures ok. parvaledu. expert nu kanu but still, naa meeda pani vadilesi vellochanna bharosa ivvagalanu.poisonings inka confidence ledu. hate this

ECG lo chaala nerchukuntunna, I know i'm not still complete, but still, I'm fine


coimbatore ku velta, I've decided.


and ee roju nundi chaduvtunna. that's also decided.

I dont know... endukochesano teliyadu

MNaakakkada undaalani ledu. Undedaannemo akkade, balavantanga. undundalsindemo. but enduko vachesa...

tana kosame naaku ee thought vachindemo anipinchindi vachesaka. I almost forgot everything about it in all this fuss. I'm sure I would not have remembered it till late. assalu anduke vachesanemo??!!


endukem baagaledu. enduko

do not resuscitate??

ekkada dorukutundi??

day 19

Emo. em pani chesanani nenu?

rbs check cheyaledani srinivas cheppetappudu arthamayyindi how important it is ani.

and planar st depressions gurinchi kuda telisindi. rendu sututes vesa. kontavaraku ok. Inka veyaali. em nerchukuntunna roju?? Nothing, I hate this. I really hate this. Ledu, I have to learn to manage.

cath lu ninna pettaledu. I have to learn to put. I just have to.

Ninna godavaindi okadito. tt diclofenac veyinchi suture room lo kurchomani cheppi vere patient daggaraku vellanu. vaadu taagi unnadanta. gola chestondinnadu. arustu undinnadu assalu emi pattinchukovatledani. how can I stop disposing another case when I know pretty well that suturing takes time... Nannu bootulu tittinatlunnadu. em tittado kuda teliyadu. tarun nannu bayataku ranivvaledu. tarvata enta adiginaa cheppaledu. kani pade pade phone chesi naa mood ela vundo kanukkuntunnadu. hospital lo jariginavi pattinchukoku, taginavallu ededo matladutuntaru avanni enduku pattinchukuntav antu datestunnadu. kani kishore cheppadu, tarun chaala kopanga undinnadanta... kallu erragaa aipoi, gatti gattiga arichi tarimesadanta vaadini. emem tittado nannu tarun anta react ayyadante. nenemaina tappu chesana? I dont know. suture kosam wait cheyamani cheppi inkoka case kosam velladam tappa? tt, diclo ventane veyincha. immediate ga. mlc enter chesukokundane. pain taggite wait cheyagalaru kada ani. asaluke drowning patient, twaraga physician ku pettali, huh. I dont know what my mistake is. Naake edola undi. Tarun lopalaku pommanakapoyunte vaadu vaaginadanta nenu vinunte tattukolekapoyedannemo... Thanks tarun, thank you very much. Eee 'edola' undadanne tattukolekapotunna, nuv lopalaku pampakapoyunte inkela aipoyedaanno... thanks, I'm fine now, atleast better. thank you, again :)

inkaaa... chudu, viseshalu lekundane gadachipotunnay rojulu... hmmm...

day 18

even worst. roju rojuki naa paristhiti.

naa meeda nade asahyam vestondi.

em teliyaka povadam neram ananu nenu. but ippati naa paristhiti naaku nachatledu. I hate this I hate this.



super vasmol poisoning lo 6 points ns pettala? Naku telliyadfe idanta. huh!

Cath s ok. better. inka green cath taruvayi.


dare to take decisions dear

so emanali deeni? punishment anaaaaaaaaala?

Adem kaadu. Naaku ee tindi ishtam kedu. anduke ee gola anta

I hate this. I hate this.


Em pedda teda ledu nijame. nenu kuda vallandari laagaane tayaaraipotunnanaa


I dont know I dont know'
Naku kopam vastondi. Naaku kopam vastondi.

Endukila tayaaraipotunnano teleedu. this is not what I want. This is NOT. ABSOLUTELY NOT. Nakem kaavaalo adi khachitanga pondutaanu. Khachitanga.

Iwill have it. Is it impossible.Is it tough. It had been tough all along. And it would be so all ahead. So what? Should I quit? No. I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

i WOULD NOT

day 17

Okka sariga chaala bhayamesindi, badhesindi. Aipoyindaa antaa moodu rojullo ani anukunna.

aa escapist tendency, aa reluctant nature, aa incapability---chi asahyamesindi. Is this what I am, again?? ani anipinchindi. baadhesindi. naaku idi kaadu kaavalasindi.

enduku kotta ante bhayapadutunna. enduku decision making ante bhayapadutunna? endukanta janku? tbm ayyuntundi ante kada, thats it. enduku anta hesitation. aakharuku foley's teeseyadaniki kuda tarun nu adagala? No way. Its wrong. alaa cheyoddu. tappu. stand on your own feet. you are all capable. dare to take your decisions. date to learn when you are in doubt. dare to retain and apply what you learn.


Stop it stupid. stop being foolish.

ecg chudadamlo unna confidence atleast cath pettadam lo kuda ledu.


I appreciate, ivvala chinna vein ani ravi chandra discourage chestunna pettesav blue cath. good. congratulations. but when r you goin to put a green one? when are yu going to analyze the condition of the patients you treat? when are you going to stop saying ' I dont know' to everything that you are asked about? When are you going to master the art and science of medicine?


Ecg lo av dissociation. anta. heart block ani gurtupatta. but still, complete heartblock ani gurtu pattaleka poya. q waves anta baaga unnay, kanukkola. how stupid. kalla mundu unnadi kuda chudaleka pote! I hate this.

neck rigidity undi ani cheppadaaniki kuda bhayamaaa. descision making ante endukanta dooram parigedatav??

suture??? when when and WHEN?

Ee bhayam and janku eppudu pogottukuntav?

and chadavadam eppudu modalupedatav?

day 14

Oh appude half of the posting aipoinda.... :D

okka case manage cheyagane enta confidence vachesindi naaku!! Poisoning ante assalu jankatledu. Kani inka naipunyam kavali naku.

Inka shraddaga cheyali pani... nenu cheyatledu, I'm an idiot. Inkonchem quick analysis, Inkonchem better evaluation... It is a need.

cath inka pettadam raledu---I mean vacho rado teleedu, how shameful

Ivaale idi ila... kottaga...

emo correct o kado naku teleedu. but I'm being like this now, coz I want to be like this now. I feel like being like this now. I know this is a fool's logic, but still, i want to be like this now, YES.

day 13

waste. em nerchukoledu.

Supervasmol poisoning. rendu treat chesa. aina emundi andulo? aspiration cheyadam and hydrocortisone ivvadam. huh. six months daka muscle weakness. Nephrotoxicity? laryngeal edema?

rabies patient. H/o dogbite miss chesunte nenu??? Its not seizure. i cannot call it altered sensorium. ravi chandra encephalitis annadu. emo. H/o dog bite was important. sweta enta baaga pettesindi cath. I need that skill. I'm impressed!!! :)
ala untunda aerophobia? and hydrophobia?? Oh my god!!

finally, serum nu disturb cheyakunda rapicheck petta. hey! success :) Ilane cath petta ani eppudu egurutano.

ryles and foley's ok. rabies patient ki taka taka pettesa. 5 min lo rendu.

blood kuda teesa, ok... but paapam ataniki chaala chotla kuchaalsochindi. kani bhayapadaledu. aa vishayam lo its an improvement.

aina sotta moothi chiraku mukham enduku naaku/prashantanga undochu kada, visugu mukham chuste papam patients ku ela untundi. react avvakunda receive chesukoleva andarini/? be cool sam. ninnu chuse sagam chiraku taggali vallaki. inka agony irritation peragakudadu. learn to deal with people,sam. Learn to deal.


You have to deal you have to deal You have to.


remember you are a doc. behave yourself. you have to cure people. dont add to their miseries, at any angle.

day 12

poisoning okkadanne manage chesa. Evvaru leru kanuchupu mera lo. chaala bhayamesindi. kallu cheyi aadaledu. lavage chestunna. op compound adi. kani clear fluid vastondi. Confirm chesukune lavage start chesa. kani clear fluid vachesariki bhayamesindi, lung lo pettanemo ani. I was afraid. anta apanammakamento naa meeda naaku. aakharuku saline andinchadaniki kuda sisters leru. bhayamesi dikkulu chusa, I was afraid. I dont know. atropine icha. brain assalu pani cheyaledu. pam istaro ledo kuda teliyadu. tarun nu kanukkomanna.


It was my first. ippudu poisoning vaste nene chusukunta. I know what to do and how to monitor.

chlorpyriphos ok
endosulphan gurinchi sekhar sir nu adagali
supervasmol kuda.

enduku nenu emergencies nu handle cheyaleka potunna. what happened to my senses?
What happened to my brain? why dont they work for me?
Naaku ee opportunity malli radu. i have to learn everything now. only 18 days left. I have to learn. I have to learn. i have to learn

forst first and first sam, DONT BE AFRAID. nee attention anta bhayapadadam meeda kakunda pani meeda pettu. feelings meeda kakunda work meeda pettu. feelings ku nuvvu istunna importance nee concentration nu debbateestondi. watch yourself. anduke you miss the spark in you. coz you dont give it any space to come out. nuv nee pani meeda concentrate chestene kada emaina jarigedi. beware dear. think quick and act quick. stop being uncertain. decision teesukovalasina paristhiti vaste jankoddu. dont. nee daari correctaa kaada confirm chesukuni munduku vellu. learn the skill of communicating with people, with your collegues and seniors. to the point clear ga adigi telusukovadam nerchuko.

burns. aakhariki percentage calculate chesukovadam lo kuda bhayamena stupid. rule of nine kuda gurturananta bhayama rascal. ee sari burns case vaste em cheyalo neeku telsu kada. Ila malli bhayapadav kada. you know how to deal kada. you know what to do kada. good.

So ninnanta kalipi nenu chesindi intena?
poisoning
burns
antena stupid

Sutures inka eppudu vestav?
proficiency eppudu sampadinchukuntav?

and oh yes, post wall infarct, ecg lo, thats a new point, fine. good. kani inka information kavali dani gurinchi. ekkada dorukutundi?


EPPUDU CHADUVTA NENU HARRISON?


Sam, job for you today. deniki bhayapadoddu. remember, you are a doc. all you have to do is to do whatever you want to do with UTMOST ATTENTION. ante. attention pay chey. nee probs solve aipotay.

casualty

emo em rayadaniki teesukunnano idi

casualty night shifts aipoyay.


11 days up.
em saadhincha?

symptomatic ga treatment---ok parvaledu confindent ga ne pedutunna. But still, I need efficiency.

Prati roju ante, naa inefficiency kanipistundi naaku. Paaripovalanipistundi naa duties nundi. alaanti haanikaramaina aalochanalanundi freedom kosame nature nannu casualty lo tosesindi le :) busy aipoyi 'naaku radu' ani aalochinchadame amrchipotunna. ennenno nerchukuntunna. I'm not satisfied, completely, but still, I'm fine.

emo mari...

idi oka govt hosp. chest pain complain chesina vaallandariki ecg routine ga advise cheyadam oka sampradayam ikkada. adi avasaramaa leda analyze chesi decide cheyagaligedeppudu??


angina... angina equivalents, unstable angina... just ischemia valla st depressions
infarcts--- gross elevations and t wave inversions... artefacts --- hyperpolarisations, st take off.... anni chusa. chala chusa. prabhakar kuda gurtunnadu. almost moribund, vachinappudu. ecg kosam pampincha. dead body ni venakku techaru. pulse tagalanappudu auscultate chesundalsindemo. atanu vf lo lekapoyina atleast oxygen pettindalsindemo. atani death lo naa baadhyata entundo naakaite arthamkavadam ledu. cheppe vallu kuda evaru/. adigi telusukune teerika kuda ledu---anni op sheets chetilo. annii chest pain kosame... I dont know. adi jarigi inni rojulaindi. inka chadavaledu daani gurinchi. nijangane busy ga unnano leka unnananukuntunnano]



aa tarvata kuda chest pain cases chusa. aspirin, clopidogrel sorbitrate... Ide naa paridhi. aa tarvata physician ku pettestunna. before the onset of arrythmias. huh
Still not sure of triage. Ee uncertainity nachatledu. Nenu nerchukovali. but eppudu/ ekkada?

i'm happy, that i could anwswer all the sir's questions. ecg alaanaa ammay read chesedi, first rate? rhythm/ axis? p wave? pr? st? t waves? qrs complexes? annintiki answers cheppa. nenu cheppina findings nu analyze chesadaayana. baaganipinchindi. Naa side nundi aa matram effort lekapointe aayana analysis daaka vachevadu kaademo. and clinical application is what I need to learn here. it is what my books dont teach. huh.

scorpion sting
dog bite

oka daani rx theory telusu. inkoka daanni nene treat chesa.
Snake bite is the one left now. Which I still have to learn

seizure management, stilll not sure.
phenytoin loading dose 2 to 3 times petts. diazepam ela istaro kuda telsu. 2 to 3 times petts. kaani edi e set up lo istaro inka not sure.
theory and practhical veru ga kanipistunnay. i mean, pani chesetappudu nenu nerchukunnadi apply cheyaleka potunna. apply cheyadaniki try cheyadaniki pustakaalanu cheuse time teerika oopika undatledu. Nenu inka better ga cheyochu. cheyatledu.

dopamine drip petta. cpr chesetappudu atropine ivvadam chusa. half life takkuva, ns to push cheyamannaru evaro. adi adenosine and sodium nitroprusside ku sambandhinchi kada, I dont knwo. naaku raado ataniki raado. evarinadagaali ippudu nenu? sekhar sir? chuddam.

adrenaline cpr chesetappudu entistaru ela istaru/ iv ivvakudadu kada/ ivvocha?
acls ku dabbulu kattali

ge lu matram confident ga treat chestunna.kani inka rationale nu oppukoleka potunna. evari burra tinaloI'm happy first posting casualty padinanduku, surgery and med pade time ki konta base to vellagalanu kada. doubts anni ippude vachestay. I'll still have opportunity to learn.

Inka pain abdomen. rantac eppudistaro pantop ekkada prefer chestaro artham kadu. sekhar sir nu adagali. ok. preliminary treatment aite istunna, kani first examination to diagnosis pettalema? cyclopam laku rantac laku patient relief cheppaka pote ne emergency suspect cheyala? emergency ante symptomatic therpy ku respond avvanidanaa artham? how ridiculous. I need to learn everything about this. eppudo surgery posting appudu kadu. ippude nerchukunta. casualty aipoitylopu ateeast pain abdomen anna treat cheyagalagali kada.

rta's. ikna pattu raledu. injuries nu kuda confident ga describe cheyaleka potunna. pratidaaniki sekhar sir sekhar sir ani tiragadame. I must be able to work by myself. inni rojulaindi. inka iv line ventane secure cheyadam loni importance artham
kavatledu naaku. especially rta lu.

antaga concentraqte cheyatlledemo nenu. anduke nemo inta incompleteness. just pani complete chesukoni vellalani chustunnanemo. inka dhyasa petti panicheyali. naaku ee opportunity malli radu. sam, take care.


avnu nijamenemo. cath pettadamlo anta failure rate kuda andukenemo. huh. adi naaku vacho rado naaku ippatiki teleedu., I dont knwo

foley's ok. mistakes anni kiran sir kantlo ne padaali, aayane correct cheyaali nannu. aina aayana nanne enduku pilustaaro malli malli foleys pettadaniki. ok anukunnaremo.\
ennni pedutunnano lekka ledu naake. okkka bph ku aina pettali housie aipoye lopala.

ryle's kuda ok. first pettaledanna oka feeling undindi. but now its gone. taka taka
petteyagalanu confident ga.

kani poisionings complete ga manage cheyaledu. vachevanni rmlc's. atropine and pam ichese pampistaaru. doses gurinchi aalochinchadaaniki kuda teerika ledu. number of ampuoles to ne jeevitham gadichipotondi. okka ampuole ento naaku ippatiki teleedu.
poisonings meeda pattu kaavali inka naaku

last but not the least, sutures. sekhar sir to ippudu deal kudurchukunta. I have to learn it well. naaku vacheyali adi. vachu anna bhrama lo undakudadu. raadu anna feeling to bratakakudadu. suture raagane sir kosam wait cheyakunda nene velli veseyaali. I need that confidence. nas oppukodemo but still, i cant sacrifice my opportunities for her. I will not have a second chance. mundu nerchukunnake evarikaina nerpinchedi. lekapote nenu eppatiki assistant gane migilipotanemo.

sr okati chesa. tappu chesa first. kani nerchukunna. I'm happy.porapatuna suture material migilipote ela teeyaalo kuda chusukunna.

hope prem will be fine. adoka simple suture. sariga approximate kaaledemo ani naa feeling. feeling kadu nijamenemo. aa abbayi noppantunnadani baadhesi tondaraga kaanichesa. inkonchem slow ga chesundalsindi. its ok annadi akka. chuddam. chuddam.

Oh god! please please. nenu baaga nerchukovali. naakippudu 19 days matrame unnay. I have to learn well. i have to learn more.

inkaa janku vadalaledu naaku. eppudu vadulutundo adi. eppudu concentrate cheyadam nerchukuntano. I want it. I need it.


Try chestanu. Kau chestanu.
Cheyagalanu, naaku telusu. I know. i KNOW. :)


Tarun super. Atu gowtham itu fasi iddari tonu nenu tarun ku link ayyunnanani telisi shock ayya. rahim saresari. tarun kuda same loop lo unnadani teleedu nakippatidaka. Glad to know :)

And naseera... Tanaku nenu nachanani naaku enduko anipistu untundi, despite all evidences against it. Sam is ok, but not perfectly fit ani tana abhiprayamani naa observation.

Ravi chandra and lavanya. pani eppudu naaku appacheppinaa pedda feel ayyedanni kadu. but ninna kopamochindi. appatike 6 cases. vaatillo 4 mlc's. anni nene chusukuntunna. alaanti time lo anna cases teesukovaali kada. I'm irrtated. I'm damn irritated.

Nijame naseera cheppindi ninna. I need not be too 'generous' towards those. naa duty aipoyi half an hour ayyindi. inkaa naa cheta panulu cheyinchukuntunnaru vaalu darjaa ga kurchuni.adi realize avvakunda inka vaallu cheppindanta chestu kurchovadam--- huh, I'm a fool.

what else??


so ippatinundi dhyasa pettali
sutures nerchesukovali
chadavaali
inkaaaa better avvali. i have to become better. I ought to
and i will.

nijamaa naa bonda... oka abaddam inko abbadam to replace ayyindi... ante.

huh

Nijam

Naakishtam adi.

Prashantanga unchutundi nannu adi---Free from fear.. free from guilt... free from shame.
I go any length to keep it alive. For it makes me hold my head high.It keeps me free from fear... free from shame... free from guilt.

I want it. I need it. And i lived with it.............. Until I lost myself,a while ago... when, I dont know.

It just happened, And since then, 'I' am no where. truth is no where.




But the girl feels at home again, now??!!! Does what has happened just now, matter that much?

Thank u ra, If this is the first move, U inspired me to make this...

Jaada dorikindi naaku... I will find my way from here. I will take me back to the path that was once mine. I will take myself back to my world of joys and dreams. I will take myself back to my own dwelling place full of hope and zeal.

You showed me the traces of what was once called I.

Now I'm no longer a sailor trappped in worst of waters, tossing hopelessly at the mercy of waves.I know where I need to go. I have a compass. And I will set my sail.

Naato untav kadu, toduga... ... ... ...

1st day of internship

em rayali?

edo rendu injections vesa


Endukilagundi naaku
I dont know

I dont know


ee first days nene jagrattaga build chesukovali.

I must not collapse
I must not




Nene jagrattaga chusukunta

I WILL



Naaku kaavalasindi saadhinchukunta ante

I cant stand this...
I want to scream
I WANT TO SCREAM




enduku idi ilaga
nenenduku ila unnanu?
nakenduku emi chetakadu

why why and why?


WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME

Okkosari anipistundinaku chala kovvani. naa life naaku inni ichina emi ledani edupumukham vesukuni vuntanani

but what why and how



emo naku teleedu
naku pichekkindi

I'VE GONE MAD



naku prapancham loni deni viluvaa teleedu
edi chetakadu.






oka guha loki vellipoyi bratakalanukunedanni okappudu. prapancham nachaka


Ippudu naku nenu nachatledu

Naa inability nannu anukshanam vekkiristondi. I'm being touchy.

tattukolekapotunna
oppukoleka potunna
bharinchaleka potunna





naa chetakavadam ledippudu



i cant stand all this.
I wanna die
I wanna quit everything
I wanna quit everyone

huh
rayadaniki matram em migilindi


nenu naku eppudaina okkasaraina nachutana


Nannu nenu tittukoni roju ikkataina untunda?


sam
sam
sam
sam
sam

sam

no
no
no


no
entidi
entidi


I dont know
I dont know
I dont know
I dont know
I dont know








why do I hate everything
why do I hat e everyone
why do I hate my existence.


Its just as if I'm waiting for my own destruction. Its like I'm waiting for myself to build enough courage to kill myself.

enti nenu ila tayaraipoyanu??


Ippudu light teesukuni repu badha padala??


NO WAY.

Ee roju jariginde jariginatlu
lekapote lenatle
ante ante ante
ante ante ante
ante ante ante


ippudu nenu kurchuni chesinde chesinatlu


thats it

how many itmes will you stare at that paper?

You cant create marks, can you?

If you dont represent everything you know, on that paper... who is gonna help you?





40 marks ku attempt chesina vallu oka 2 marks tappu cheste vallaku pedda teda padadu. 25 marks ku paper rasi 4 marks telisi kuda tappu raste evaridi badhyata??

hyp cong pyloric stenosis

now is ur time
waht you learn now is your strength.


GET STRONGER EVERY MOMENT

to be done

sort and organize

laptop
books
all collections---books papers articles novels cds
notes and material
clothes
other items

downloads... list them all and complete
diaries.


PLAN N BOOST

SATURATION VACHESTONDOOOOOOCH!


ee roju sangati chudu mundu. tarvati sangati tarbvata.
look at this golden moment dear. it is all yours dont waste it

HANDLE CHEYAGALIGINA VAADIDE SUCCESS.

what am I split in between?

Is it a sin to dream?
Is is all out of my bounds? Out of my reach?
Is it wrong to think of becoming better?

Am I bound to perish?
Are pleasure and confidence banned from my arena?

am I entitled only to pain panic disgust and depression.


Should I live with all these dirty ill feelings?
Oh how long?

Inka ennallu--- ee vyatha veedana baadha nissattuva narakam







I hate this life. I cant stand it any longer.





Am I waiting for some magic to set all things right for me at the moment, right now, right away?
cant I make things possi ble now?
wjhy do I fail in all of my attempts?
why is it as if someone is trying constantlly and consistently to make me fail utterly in all my attempts by whatsoevr means to nibble off the budding hope and strangthen my hatred for this life?

Is it wrong to dream?

Am I unfit and inccapable to dream of such things and think of making them real?


IS EVERYTHING OVER NOW?


Do I have nothing in my life with me now?




What is igt that I have to do now?

What is it that I need to do now?>



what is wron wiht me?
waht is wrong with my ways/




i lose all hope now?
I have no desire to face this world or ots people
I am all lost.

I'm not wiht myself


I'm worse than dead.


what am I trapped amidst?


what is it that I can do?

Is there anything in life that I can do now/

is there anything in me that can keep me alive?
Or is it all trash? is that all ash?

alll the empty minutes
all the lifeless breaths
all those vain attempts
all those vague realities


This pool of tears
these tonnes of fears

unmeasurable pain
unbearable torture




is this all I have for my life/



naa aashalanni chachipotunnay.
naku kalalu kane dhairyam leduppudu.
vastavalloki tongi chuse sthairyam antakanna ledu.



nakem modalupettalani kuda ledu.
pustakam teravalantene bhayamestondi.

malli tattukolenu. I cant bear it all again.



i just cant.
I JUST CANT.


oh marcipoyanu.
avnu ade devudu nakichina pedda varam.
I can forget. I can forget that something wrong has ever happened.
i can feel as fine as I had always been.



hope another avalanche doesn't set in, hope another small failure wouldn't get so big on me to smash all the life in me.

perhaps I've to redefine my definitions of success and failure.

perhaps I'm not that great or capable to do all those things I want to do.
Perhaps I'm petty, and I have to live with all petty desires of 1 2 under everything.
perhaps that is all I'm capable of.
Perhaps that is all I can expect from myself and my life.

Perhaps this would satisfy the imagined invisible being who is trying to ruin me.
Perhaps this would be enough to make myself immune to his assaults.



































IF I CANNOT RUN, IF I CANNOT WALK, THEN i'LL CRAWL ATLEAST... ITS BETTER THAN STANDING STILL,NO?

I SET OUT NOW.


MY WILL IS STRONG. IT COMES FROM THE CORE WITHIN ME. AND CORE IS SOMETHING THAT IS ALL INFLUENTIAL BUT UNINFLUENCED.


WATCH.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS 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Ekkuva vaddu. Bld. Endocrines. Msk. Poisioning

Enti ee acute symptoms sam? Ila bhayapadite bagupadatavanna feeling emaina unda stupid

Vallu badhapadutunnaru veellu edustunnaru...my foot.

Eppudu vallu veellu antena. Nuvvodda neeku. Inkennellu? Ala vadileyaleva? Undedi oke okka roju, danni kuda pogottukuntava?

Chesi sadhinchedemaina unda? Evvariki nuvvoddu. Neeku kuda nuvvodda? Alantappudu enduku bratikunnav? Po chachipo.


I want u to work for me, for none else. I want u to grieve for me, atleast for once, atleast 4 now.


Chalu prapanchaniki ichina time.
.


Neeku andari edupulu kanipistaye naadi kanipinchada,

evari badha tattukolev, nannu matram enduku pattinchukovu?
Nenante neeku lekka leda?

Vallevariki nuvvoddu. Edustav vallandari kosam, gantalu rojulu samvatsaralu...

Edavamani valladigara ediste vallakemaina vastunda? Valla kosam nee sarvaswanni marchipoyi edustav. Vallaku nuvoddani telisi edustav.

Atleast ne concern ku consideration ku kuda nochukoleda nenu? Nenodda neeku? Am i unwanted? Nuvvu nannu care cheyaka poina ippatidaka ninnodalledu nenu. Alanti nannu nuvvu akkaraledu nuvvante nashtam nuvvunte kashtam ane vari kosam badhapadutu marchi potava?

Badha padadam goppanukuntunnava? Tyagasheeli vi ani anip4ochukovalanukuntunnava? Leka ademaina tikka? Telivi takkuvatanam adi telusuko.

If u wanted to punish ur self, u have suffered enough. It has costed u enough.

Inka nee time anta naadi. Telusuko, naa meeda invest chesina ee moment vrudha podu. I wil return it back, u know it pretty well.

Prapancham chudadaniki matrame undi. Matladadanikg matrame umdi. Jaali padadanikh matrame undi. Navvu kovadaniki matrame undi.

Daaniki neeto paniledu. Nuvu unna lekapoina poddu podustundi poddu kunkutundi. Nenu needaina korikanu. Nenu matrame nee sontam. Ninneppatiki veediponi nestanni, ninneppatikh nirasha parachani chaitranni. Cheekati lo velugu nu. Badha ln odarpunu. Kashtam lo kanti tudupv nu. Nispruha lo aashanu. Nene nee sontham nenokkatn nee sontham. Naato cherite swargbnni andista. Vastava???

Naa gontu nulimey,

ante. artham kadu.

Chala samayallo ado rakanga tikkaga tayaravadam enduko...?!
How should I come out of such situations?

buddhi bhrashtam...huh!

I think I know what to do.
I think I know what my mistake is.
evvarito matladakunda naa prapanchamlone trap aipoinappudu----- buddhi kuda kunchinchukupoindemo. em jarugutondo telusukolenanta tikka. evaraina cheppina talakekkananta tikka.

Its unhealthy.
Ilanti unhealthy habits and thoughts unnappude alaanti tappulu.

Am i out of it now?
Atleast all this is not stale and stagnant. Flowing thoughts wash away the waste, no??

ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssskkkkksssssssksksssssssssssssssssssssssssksssssssssssssssssssssslfffffffffffffffffiewwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn mmmmcxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxoeriwopeirr4nnnnnnnnnnnnvvvvvaq[0333333333333594865999999aq jsnskdcnwioe5u4389674928-20eoreiotu85uiorgjkfdngfmcnvdjskfjsoturiotueriotu498549582098209rpowrioqrkal;ksdlcms,zxmcxkvfdkjghriturtr9879403582894043otioewptjrkgjfkvncxmnvskljferiotut79348-0q2-





whom am i cheating?

huh!

AAHA AAHA ENNI DAAAAAAAARULU VEDUKKUNTUNNAV SAM NINNU NUVVU TRUPTI PARUCHUKOVADANIKI.

REALIZE THAT THEY ARE ALL TEMPORARY
REALIZE THAT THEY ARE ALL STUPID

YOU ARE WASTING YOUR VALUABLE TIME
YOU ARE WASTING YOUR VALUABLE TIME

YOU ARE SPILLING IT
U R LETTING IT DRAIN AS SULLAGE





YOU WILL NOT HAVE IT AGAIN SAM

IF YOU WASTE IT NOW, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE IT AGAIN
u WILL NEVER HAVE WAHT YOU WANT AGAIN.


iPPATIKI KOLPOINDI CHALU. INKA KOLPOVADDU. DONT

IPPATIDAKA NUVVU CHEYALEKA POINA, KOLPOINA VATANNINTINI TALCHUKUNI BADHA PADADAM MANESAV. LIGHT TEESUKUNNAV. YOU HAVE FORGIVEN URSELF. You have accepted yourself again.
IPPUDU NUVVU ENNI FOOSISH PANULU CHESINA NINNU NUVVU KSHAMINCHUKOGALAVU kuda.


Kani ee 1 month poorthiga utilize chesukoledani neeku anipiste matram you cant forgive yourself sam

realize
sit
close your eyes
imagine yourself blank and indrawn. Imagine the scene when you suddenly realize that everything is over and you are left with nothing....

Now imagine peace. imagine satisfaction. Imagine joy.

what do you want sam. it is alll in ur hands sam. use this month.




HERE AFTER, DONT DO ANYTHING THAT TAKES YOU AWAY FROM THE BEST YOU COULD DO IN THESE 30 DAYS.

JUST DO NOT

YOUR TIME STARTS NOW DEAR.



NO OTHER MISTAKE IS UNFORGIVABLE NOW. THE ONLY THING FOR WHICH YOU WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOURSELF IN YOUR LIFE IS WASTING THESE 30 DAYS.



WORK
NOW.

Oh I'm happpy. BecaUSE i HAVE STARTED TO READ. nOW I UNDERSTAND EVERYWORD i READ... AND i EVEN SEE THINGS GETTING COMPLETED.



:)


dont get lost by this piece of peace dear. you have to keep it perpetuating. YOU HAVE TO

IT IS YOUR DUTY

Aei...

parushapu maatale neeku sari

Shaasinche nestanike nee meeda control.
So ee maata vinalsinde tappadu. Ee roju padukoneloga, pathology of conception and contraception aipovalsinde.


jagratta.

Sam
sam
Sam

Sam

what is this?
WHAT IS THIS?

4 ku levala. 5 ku lecha
poisoning peddaga chadavala. But i'm happy. Idi chalu nannu ee rojanta kurchobettadaniki

Repu 4 ku levali. Leste chala labhalunnay...

Poisoning complete ga malli chadavachu. Anni correct ga malli nerchukovachu. Okka topic gurinchaina naku konta telusani cheppagala confidence sampadinchukovachu. More importantky i'm working anna dhyasa chala truptinistundi. Adi naku kavali. I want gt. To get every thing i want and to b able to deliver primary care to a patient of poisoning, i must wake up at 4 tomorrow

kkknaku kopamostondi
I'm annoyed
I'm angry





I hate this.

i hate

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

aravalanundi gattiga

I WANNA SCREAM
SCRERAM TILL MY THROAT ACHES









i wanna shout
Shout because I'm not doin anyhting
shout because I'm wasting all my time and I'm frustated because of it.



I hate
I hate

Ippudu modalaindi asalu sisalu poru. I'm on a race with myself. I know i'll go long.

:)

this is not hysteria
this not fake or artificial euphoria.

this is just plain pure eternal joy.
this is simple boundless never diminishing pleasure.
This is peace.
this is calmness.

I'm enjoying it.
and I'm grateful for it.

Thank you.

:)

enduko naa meeda naaku anta kopam ravatledu?
Nenem chesina nenu kshaminchestunna enduku?

nannu nenu kopaginchukovatledu enduke?

Enduku chala tondaraga kopam badha bhayam vagira feelings anni vachina naku teliyakundane 'marchipotunna'?!! Marchipoyi santoshanga untunna?

assalu indaka emaindi--ippudu emavtundi anna aalochana lekunda prati nimishamu edo okalaga---with a combination of all productive and unproductive deeds---- edo okati chestu santoshanga gadipestunna??

Hey wait... rojanta emi santoshanga undatledu. kani at the end of the day assalu em jarigindo marchipotunna. haayi matrame migultondi. navvu matrame migultondi. days leave no residual sorrows or regrets. I just sit to spend the NOW in what ever the way I feel like----- and the minute goes away sometimes getting some work done... and sometimes utterly wasted!!


Is this for good or bad?
Is this a boon or a bane?

Who knows?
Who cares?


but I realize onething. I'm able to realize the POINTS AND MOMENTS when,if a choice is made, the consequences can be dictated.Well recognising is not everything... I have to act at that point. And i will act.