Why do I hate myself??

Why does this always happen?

I hate the way I am.
I hate the way I deal with things.

I feel I dont act when I need to.. that I dont act the way I need to...whatever may be the issue, I never feel like approving my acts
I never feel satisfied about the way I behaved.
I hate every deed of mine.
I feel bad about every reaction of mine.

I become so agitated that my mind gets blocked and loses all ability and stability to be rational and reasonable.

When I say something, and sit back to think about it, I never agree to what I said. I am very likely to cross and contradict my own statements. I hate this difference between what I really feel and what I say.

Why dont I approve what I say? Why cant I say what I approve?
Why dont I approve what I do? Why cant I do what I approve?

Why does this disparity really exist? I am a single person and not two---one who does and another who judges!! But why this disparity??

Even if I find myself wrong, I think I do have the courage to admit that I am wrong and confess it...But I cant forgive myself for being wrong...I just cant.

These thoughts paralyse me more than the actual consequences of my deeds

37.5 %

My weblog owns 37.5 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

Afraid???

Fear of a problem is often worse than the problem itself.


Make sure that you are bothered about the problem...not the fear.

చిరునవ్వుకు చిరునామా...

మౌనానివో
మాటవో
మధురమైన కవనానివో..

కలవో
కార్యానివో
చిగురాశల విరితోటవో..

భావానివో
బంధానివో
తీర్చాల్సిన బాధ్యతవో..

అనుభూతివో
ఆప్యాయతవో
అనుబంధ చందనానివో..

గమ్యానివో
మార్గానివో
ఉన్నతిని సూచించే మైలురాయివో..

నా ఆనందానికి నెలవైన నీవు
ఎవరివో స్పష్టంగా తెలియకపోయినా

నీ కొరకే నా సమయం..
నీ వైపే నా పయనం..

Promise...

Promise..
Swear...
Take an oath...
Give a word...


Whats the fun of taking or making, when you cant keep them?
And if you really have no intention of violating them, whats the need to make them?

Goal is flexible...Plans are flexible... Descisions are flexible...
Destination is flexible...Path is flexible...Mode of journey is also flexible...

And amongst all these flexibles,
promise is onething that needs to be kept...
Promise is onething that is meant to be kept...
Promise is onething that is made to prevent ourselves from violating it...

Need of a promise arises only when you are constantly doing something which you dont intend to.
Need of a promise arises only when you want yourself to bind yourself to do something.


When you dont put effort to keep them...
When you dont care to watch if any of your deeds is violating a promise..
Then what really is the purpose of it? Whats the fun of making and breaking promises??



Take an oath that you dont promise things you cant keep or dont believe in keeping them...And that you will put your life to keep those you make...

And if you dont believe that you will keep this oath, then try the easiest of all---- Promise that you dont make any further promises in your life...That you will have no commitments.
But then, dont demand more that you get...b'coz , then, you dont deserve what you wish to get.

[.......shrug]

I can witness a lot of change in me..

I find myself shedding off my laziness and taking charge of things...Almost everything!!

I find things happening as per my orders...my orders in the truest sense...without the influence of others!

I find myself dealing with things without avoiding them as I was used to.

I find myself clear...free from many many confusions that have been baffling me since long.





I now feel....
that there is nothing left to continue to think about...
Whats left is--
transforming what exists...
and creating what doesn't exist!!

my love...

I love her.
I know what all she has done for me. Its because of her that I am like this now. But what do I do for her?
Manipulate things and erect a false portrait?{sr} I hate myself.
Create problems for her? Become a problem for her?(She will never feel so-But it doesn't cease to be truth, right?)Damn it.

What do I really do for her, though I claim to do many many things for her(Medicine, Medicines,'Psychological sharing of burdens' ...Funny, isn't it?)


My life...Love it more than her..
But is my life different from hers? She has given me life!!
Then what do I really expect me to do to prove that I Love my Life??
I AM happy, right?

My proffession...Want to love it..but cant!!
Want to give my everything for it, but dont!!
Because for me, everything else is also important--friends, their feelings and emotions; people and their opinions on me, my attire, my attitude, my academics, my appearance; my poetry; my portrait; my pleasures; Comments; compliments; Compassion; Consideration; Consolation; Domination; Competence...What not??

I want everything.
I wany everything.
Cant I get them all??

I will never 'stagnate'

Whats really troubling me?
Whats it that always continues to trouble me?
Whats it that never ceases making me numb?
Whats it that pestures me, tortures me and literally makes me feel worst???

For instance,
Todays incident...

I spoke out something.
I now regret my speaking out because it was not appropriate. And I say it was not appropriate because--The reactions of people around me suggest that I was wrong. Even I feel that it is indeed my stupidity to speak like that.

But I have spoken it out. That was not my thought. That was repitition of someone else's thought, without any processing...huh!

But it was I who spoke it out. And it is now portrayed as my thought. Shit.

All this frustation is not because I was portrayed a fool. It is not because I was perceived wrongly. It is because I have spoke it out.
The cause for my frustation is hatred for my action. Honestly, not the consequences.
I hate my saying those words. I hate my sluggishness in not caring what I am speaking out.
I hate myself because I have stopped thinking and literally stagnated.

I hate stagnation.

My Love??

How do I define love?
'To love...
is to have all my
Thoughts focussed at it,
feelings craving for it,
emotions caring for it,
senses serving for it,
actions toiling for it---
In short,
My love is my everything.'

Yes true. But then, it obviously means that I dont love anything or anyone. No??

Thats me...

Things are getting worse. Days roll by but I remain the same--Old, drab, stupid and worthless...

But I dont seem to bother...Well, to be honest, I dont understand what to bother about and what to ignore. I dont understand how to think of sooooo many things at a time and manage everything.

But I can say onething...

Amongst the endless list of things that 'trouble' me, one thing for which I can never forgive myself is my INCOMPETENCE. Speaking of incompetence, I mean to refer to my profession. If I dont improve day by day in terms of knowledge and skill, if I dont care to put effort to learn and practise, I can never forgive myself.

I can forgive myself for being absent minded and landing into troubles.
I can forgive myself for not caring about attire and appearance and being a prey for comments.
I can forgive myself for not defending myself when prone for comments.
I can bear my being branded a fool.
I can tolerate my being exploited.
I can stand my being projected as a comic character.

BUT...

I cant bear my inefficiency if I couldn't do what I ought to do as a doctor.
I cant stand the torture posed by my conscience when I fail to diagnose and treat a case correctly.
I cant tolerate my being negligent and careless towards my profession.

Medicine is my life
Medicine is my everything

When I can successfully accomplish all my duties as an efficient doctor, then, I think, otherthings being wrong doesn't bother me.

As long as my conscience doesn't accuse me of being inefficient, I think, worst would also be fine for me.

???

Things seem too strange these days. Or is it I who has become strange?

Have been struggling to make myself clear about whats really happening for the past ten days---Between me, my mom and my friends--reg. pulse...
She doesnt agree. She doesn't deny either.
I dont persuade. I dont refrain either.
I interpret whats happening in a milllion different ways while speaking to different people, but dont really know which explanation is really valid.

The solid truth is I am going there.

What is Success??

For me,
Success is Perfection..
Success is Excellence..
Success is Competence.
Nothingelse in this world can pacify me.

I dont know...

Seems I am out to write a sequel to the previous post! Or mere repetiton of the previous ones?
I dont care...This is an outlet..with out which I am sure to ruin my peace!!



I feel too bad at times. Coming out of those moods is not difficult, Yeah, Not really difficult...But I dont want to...I really dont want to.

I would want to weep---bitterly...I feel I deserve to weep.. And I deserve the pain...
I want the emotion to get deep into my soul, twist me and squeeze me...
I want every other thought to be blocked and only the pain to remain...

I dont know why. I would want to convince myself that this is all silly and the only reality is the truth that everything can be handled...In fact, I know pretty well that nothing is so fatal...And that things are not really so worst...

But question comes---Do things need to be worst to cause pain? Or is there any hardfast rule that things being worst must cause pain?

I really dont understand...Things have gone beyond logic...And I still linger to this kind of posts trying to establish a valid syllogism...

People say pain is unbearable...But for me, Not being influenced by pain proves unbearable...It is a sin rather!

I dont dare to question why.

I dont want to get out.......

I feel as if my head is breaking into a thousand pieces...But i dont want to resist...I feel resisting is a blunder and it costs me my life

It is this feeling..feeling of guilt or something else that shields me from time to time from further episodes of assault of this kind...But..............??











I dont feel like continuing ...I dont feel like quittilng either..

I dont feel ;like gettilng co;ntrol over the keyvboard I work upon...

I dont ffeel llike hitting the backspacer to correct the mistakes on tis page...

I feel like ................



I jkust want to let this feeling smash mle out..............................








Jus t want it to happen











Is it really going to hurt me?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
NEVER!!!!








Just want to shield myself from everything else that washes out this feeling from me...

May be because this is the only thing that makes me feel the outer world can make me feel no worse than this......................

very bad

Was busy with ANS yesterday...
I completed reading it but am not satisfied...as always!!

With protozoology today...partly satisfied.

Oho..em cheyanu...
Time left is not long enough to let me complete everything..not short enough to make me skip most of it and go through superficially...!!

Have to find a way out...!

back again

Was out of my place for a week



Whole week.. without books, without pressures(exam pressures, other inhibitions and constraints-even financial)..

I dont understand..

Received a news yesterday...that created a sense of urgency in me. Still I dont find myself working at a pace I am capable of..

I have got many many things to do..and carryon my preparation simultaneously..But nothng goes on in a smooth fashion.

Oh!!

God!!

What the hell am I doing here??

Time is really precious...We dont realize its value so long as we have plenty of it...
but when it slips out of our hands, then do we feel the urgency. Then we will have to comprimise on the quality of our work and somehow manage to finish it in time

Found an answer to my dilemma

Didn't respond to a mail today...

Not that I didn't understand what was being told..I think I was afraid of being misunderstood.

To be frank, yesterday's post was not true...I mean, it really didn't happen yesterday. I just wanted to portray something that always happens with me.. And to make it more realistic, I added some fiction. But got a reply that really made me think...
True that a day need not be considered to be wasted if my mind didn't stop thinking. But there are things that make us stagnate(like watching stupid saas-bahu serials, engaging in stupid gossip)

Agree that I need time to assimilate what I read...that must be why I really remember what I had read many years ago. But now I have become so stupid that I give very less input to be assimilated. Whats really funny is..this is not the right time to decide to change my opinion of perfect study...I have to stickon to my previous belief if I have to get through the exam.

We often happen to realize right things at wrong time...and when the right time really arrives we dont realize that it is the right time to correct the wrong...

Again, History repeats!!

A challenge ahead!!

Have an exam...and an unavoidable and most awaited trip---I can't cancel either...But have to do justice to both..

I have such a big responsibility..and I still waste the time at such an extent!!

I have to work to my fullest to write my exam well...(not because I have to prove myself to someone..that is just a by-product..;-) Infact, I want to relish my fight to fulfil this challenge!!)

I will succeed...

Sure..I will not be ordinary.

Outset

I was craving for a platform to pen down my everything...

Platform where there are would be no barriers of identity...
Platform where I can speak out everything I really think of..without the fear of being a destroyer of my own image and reputation..

It was then that I came to know about blogging...I started at once with all excitement.
But, some how my identity crept in...
It no longer serves the purpose of its creation.

This is another attempt of reveletion of my trueself...

This blog is created with the sole purpose of portrayl of my real self...which always seeks to be hidden from the outerworld(due to various reasons, ofcourse)

Not for making friends..Not to keep a track to my academic progress...
just to speakout my mind..

As I told already, this is not my first blog..
And I hope I will keep this safe for myself...just a soul without identity!!